According to the NIH, communication and conflict resolution are directly related to relationship well-being. And for the couples I see in my office, communication is by far the most prevailing concern. Interestingly, what my clients see as falling into the communication bucket are as varied as the people themselves. Trouble with communication tends to indicate a state of disconnection where neither party feels heard nor more importantly, valued. Poor communication can manifest as escalated conflict, a complete lack of interaction and everything in between. But it often becomes clear that the “communication” problem has nothing to do with communication at all.
However poor communication is experienced, it usually begins with resentment. Resentment forged by the personalization of our spouse’s actions; the negative and inaccurate self-meaning we apply from words and behaviors that don’t belong to us. This interpersonal malfunction is responsible for putting so many once loving couples into a state of crisis.
If we begin to understand and challenge this dynamic, we are able to improve communication while positively impacting our marriage and everything else in our lives. Rather than waiting for our spouse to change, we create change on our own. If you are tired of the struggle and ready to make a true difference in your relationship, here are three ways to transform communication all by yourself:
1. Change Your Expectations: The primary obstacle to healthy communication is the resentment that develops from unmet expectations. When our expectations for others aren’t satisfied, which is inevitable, we write a story about how and why the disappointing behavior is a reflection on us. Pain and personalization together brew resentment. Based on a faulty internal narrative, resentment changes the way we communicate with our spouse. Consider how resentment is connected to your expectations. Be willing to let go of the expectations you carry; even those that feel appropriate or justified. See how this changes your perspective and ultimately your communication.
2. Stop Defining Yourself by Their Behavior: Connected to our expectations is the universal practice of taking ownership of behaviors that don’t belong to us. In other words, we consciously (or subconsciously) use the actions of others to create meaning about ourselves. This habit is the second building block of resentment. It is absolutely vital to step back from the words and behaviors of your spouse, understanding that their actions have everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. This practice, what I define as Psychological Separation, is not only essential to dodging resentment, but supports us in finding peace with our inability to control other people and all that is outside of us.
3. Practice Persistent Forgiveness: Resentment exists only through the hoarding of negative emotion. Forgiveness is the process of releasing negative emotion, despite how justified our feelings seem to be. There is so much power in approaching our spouse with Persistent Forgiveness. When we release the hurts of the past, we start with a fresh and neutral perspective, giving us what we need to communicate effectively. Notice lingering feelings from past hurts. Consider letting go. While it seems so true, holding onto negative emotion does not protect us from getting hurt again. Unfortunately, it serves only to keep us emotionally stagnant while preventing necessary healing with others and for ourselves.
If these strategies seem challenging, consider whether or not you know your Intrinsic Worth. When we accept the value within, we no longer need to seek validation from other people and other things. We are free to release our expectations for those we love, eliminating resentment and giving us the powerful means for better communication, healthier relationships and an easier, more extraordinary life.
Jenni Carroll, LMFT
Jenni Carroll, LMFT is an author, thought leader and therapist. Jenni is devoted to teaching foundational spiritual principles that create an easier and more extraordinary life. Her podcast The Jenni Carroll Perspective shares wisdom curated from research and experience along with valuable insight gained from closely supporting others to improve their relationships and their lives. For additional resources visit https://www.jennicarroll.com.
