Of all the kinky things couples do together, one of the easiest is often the least explored: role-playing. Part of the problem is that when most people think “role play,” a scene from a bad porno movie often comes to mind. (You know the one: lonely housewife calls a repairman over to fix more than just her TV.) But role-playing doesn’t have to involve costumes or elaborate storytelling, something a lot of couples feel silly doing at first. In fact, what most people don’t realize is that they engage in some sort of role-play every time they have sex.
Whether you admit or not, you’ve fantasized at one point or another while in the middle of sex, whether it’s about another person or that you yourself are experiencing a different situation than what’s really going on. Why not take the fantasy out of your head for a night and let your spouse in on your little secret? That doesn’t mean you risk pissing off your brunette wife by telling her, “Let’s pretend you’re that hot blonde I saw at the store today” or freaking your husband out by telling him you want to pretend he’s the first in a long line of hot college frat guys waiting to tag-team you (some fantasies are better left unsaid); it just means using your imagination a little and feeling safe enough to explore what really turns you on with the person you love the most.
“Role-playing isn’t for everyone because you have to let yourself go a little to have fun,” says Steve, 36, who admits it can be threatening to your self-image when you think, we’re fantastic lovers; we don’t need this! But Steve and his wife realized that wanting to role-play wasn’t a reflection of a poor sex life in need of some outside stimulation. “For us, the ridiculousness (like using cowboy hats and a cap-gun…shhhh, don’t wake up the kids!) was freeing, and the process of running around getting the ‘props’ or exchanging notes with my wife made the build-up last for days.”
“Role-playing is just that—play! It’s meant to entice giggles and get you out of your routine,” says author and relationship expert Lissa Coffey (www.coffeytalk.com). “We all have different aspects of our personality, and it’s fun for us to express these various parts of ourselves at times, to let them come out to play in a setting where [you’re] not being judged, just having a good time.”
Not judging your spouse when they suggest a certain role-playing activity is the key here. Not only does it make them feel safe knowing they can confide in you, but by indulging their fantasy you could discover some really hot sex!
“I once dated a guy who loved me to dress up like a bunny,” says Jamie*, 25, who felt a little silly at first obliging his request. “He had a thing for those white ears for some reason. He never got tired of them, so I’d wear them every now and then to really turn him on.”
Steve has found lots of ways to turn his wife on with a little help from his new favorite book, 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex by Laura Corn. The book contains 50 secret seductions written for him and her. Each page in the book is sealed so that once a week, each person picks a sealed page containing a different scenario.
“We only got about 20 pages into it, but it fostered a lot of fun, some great conversations about our sex life, and some truly great sex,” says Steve. “[Sometimes] we get too busy and distracted to really seduce or romance our way into good loving, so the book forces us to slow it down and to really think about ways to please and arouse each other.”
Finding creative ways to arouse each other keeps things interesting and keeps your partner satisfied. And a happy partner is a happy marriage.
“[Role-playing] is safe—and healthy—because it’s seeking excitement within the relationship rather than looking for it outside of the relationship,” says Coffey. So let go of your inhibitions for a little while and act those fantasies out. Who knows—maybe the hottest night of your life is only a pair of bunny ears away.
*Editors note: due to the sensitivity of this subject, this name has been changed.
Steve Cooper is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of Hitched. You can follow him on Twitter at @hitchedmedia.
