Why do I…not want to lock eyes during sex. I love my wife, but every time we make love, I feel like it’s a chore rather than something I should like to engage in with the woman I love. It’s true that she nor myself look the way we did ten years ago. How do I overcome my insecurities in myself as well as my wife?
Men love to look at women, they ogle them on the beach and sneak peeks at pictures of them from their wives’ Victoria’s Secret catalogue when she’s not looking. But looking at women and keeping eye contact with them are two different things.
Biologically, men are less likely to maintain eye contact with other individuals. One reason is our old friend testosterone, the hormone that has been surging through your since 10 weeks of conception. This hormone actually conditions the brain to seek, and make, less eye contact than women. In fact, in many species males avoid direct eye contact because it increases levels of arousal and can be perceived as threatening. Eye contact can actually make men feel less, not more, comfortable.
One of the most frequent laments I hear from women is, “I know I’m connected to him when I see him making eye contact.” My rejoinder is: “He’s not made the same way you are, he can feel connected and still not look you eye-to-eye.”
However, your problem raises a different question, and that is: Are you less physically attracted to your wife? I don’t know you, and I don’t know her, but the answer is probably, “Yes.” The way I see it, when famous male guys marry supermodels and still end up a few years later having affairs with prostitutes or babysitters, the thrill of looking at their wives must have dwindled a bit. That is also natural—even the most beautiful object if observed day after day can start to loose it’s visual appeal. That’s why marriage demands that, over time, we begin to look deeper at the person we are with, and start to appreciate their inner beauty.
All this being said, your wife may still value your eye-lock, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Here are some things you can do to get your eyes in the game when you’re making love to your wife.
1. Find a physical characteristic on her face, and focus on the beauty of it. (After all, most guys can focus on the beauty of an 8-valve engine or an ant hill, surely they can find many things of beauty in their wife’s face.) Then, after gazing at it, look her in the eyes and comment on her beauty.
2. Try to focus on the woman inside the woman. Remember how deeply this woman has cared for you when you were sick or what a great mother she has been or how tender she is with the elderly neighbor next store; in whatever way she manifests it, focus on her inner beauty. Next, gaze at her eyes and share your impressions.
3. Do something new or different before or during sex. New experiences raise our brain’s levels of the hormone dopamine, which increases levels of arousal and stimulates more visual connection.
4. Use fantasy. Sometimes the “Same ol’ same ol” is natural, but the human’s capacity for imagination often solves the problem. You can imagine those supermodels (even the married ones) or your wife doing things to you that turn you on. Just make sure, as the moment of climax arrives, that you turn your attention back to your wife and be present with her.
Eye contact can mean a lot to women during conversation and lovemaking. You can be aware that, while it’s not natural to you, there are some ways you can bring more of it into the relationship, thereby seeing your way to a better marriage.
Dr. Scott Haltzman
Dr. Haltzman is a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at Brown University. He is the author of "The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife’s Heart Forever." You can find Dr. Haltzman at www.DrScott.com
