Excerpt taken from Chapter 7: Stop Making That Face or It Will Get Stuck That Way: Exposing your husband’s false beliefs
According to some guy on the internet, the second Law of Gun Safety is: Never Point a Gun at Something You’re Not Prepared to Destroy! In the past you have probably directed your anger toward your husband and his parents whenever they behaved like jerks. But that hasn’t done you any good, has it? That’s because you’re wasting your energy on yelling at your hubby and criticizing his folks when it would be better to focus on destroying the false beliefs causing the problems. This chapter will (1) teach you which false beliefs contribute to your husband’s specific behaviors and (2) suggest things you can say/do so your husband will begin to question them. The next time your husband behaves in a way that makes you want to rip your entire wedding finger off, ask yourself what is causing him to behave that way. Once your husband is free from his prison of warped thinking, he will begin to transform from a guilt-ridden parent-pleaser into a confident, independent adult. It’s impossible for me to list all of the false beliefs that contribute to your husband’s behavior, but here are seven major ones:
1. My parents are superior to me even though I am an adult.
2. It’s my parents’ duty to judge me and give me advice.
3. My parents’ needs are more important than my own.
4. It is important that I maintain just as close a relationship with my parents now as I did when I was young.
5. It’s my responsibility to keep my parents happy.
6. I should continue to place my loyalty with my parents even though I’m married now.
7. It’s better to pretend everything is fine, rather than rock the boat.
Now let’s take a look at these false beliefs one at a time.
False belief #1: My parents are superior to me even though I am an adult.
If your husband believes that to be true, then his behavior will probably be like this:
* He rarely, if ever, considers the possibility that his parents might be flawed in their thinking or behavior.
* He assumes he is wrong whenever he thinks differently than his parents do.
* He tells you that you’re wrong whenever you disagree with his folks.
* He believes you are rude, selfish, and/or disrespectful whenever his parents say you are rude, selfish, and/or disrespectful.
* If you and his parents describe a situation differently, he believes their version because to do otherwise would be calling his “perfect” parents liars. He accuses you of exaggerating, overreacting, and/or imagining things.
* He does everything they ask him to do because he thinks it would be disobedient to do otherwise.
True belief #1: My parents are not superior to me; we are all equal adults.
Once your husband believes this to be true, then his behavior will start to look this way instead:
* He will admit to himself that his parents aren’t right about everything all the time, and that their behavior isn’t always perfect.
* He won’t assume you’re wrong when you and his parents disagree about something.
* He will form his own opinions about you instead of believing his parents when they say you are rude, selfish, and/or disrespectful.
* He will consider your version of events when you describe a situation instead of assuming that his parents’ perception is 100% accurate. He won’t accuse you of exaggerating, overreacting, and/or imagining things.
* He won’t feel the need to obey his parents.
Here are some things you can say to help your husband replace his false beliefs with the truth:
* “I know you’ve always looked up to your parents. I’ve always looked up to mine, too. But the truth is that sometimes parents are wrong, Honey. They have flaws just like everyone else.”
* “Do you do everything your parents ask you to do because you think you have to obey them? You aren’t a child anymore… you’re an adult. You don’t have to obey them any more than they have to obey you.”
* “Honey, why do you feel it is disrespectful for me to disagree with your parents?”
* “Just because your parents don’t think the same way you do doesn’t mean you are wrong. There’s no reason to be ashamed of your opinion, so stand by it. Your parents aren’t right about everything just because they are your parents. You’re an adult too, and your opinions are just as valid as theirs.”
Here are some things you can do to help your husband replace his false beliefs with the truth:
* Set an example by not bossing him around or belittling his opinions.
* Set an example by making sure you don’t always assume your own parents’ opinions are superior to yours and/or his.
* Encourage him to read the chapter entitled “Illegal Crack” because it will address his false beliefs in a way he can relate.
From “A Wife’s Guide to In-laws: How to Gain Your Husband’s Loyalty Without Killing His Parents” by Jenna D. Barry. Copyright 2008 by Jenna D. Barry. Published by Lulu, Inc. Available at www.WifeGuide.org.
Steve Cooper is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of Hitched. You can follow him on Twitter at @hitchedmedia.
