I have always been perplexed at why so many men do not get seduction. Subsequently, I went in search at what seduction education is available to men.
I hunted high and low in books, on the internet and in magazines for information on how men are supposed to seduce women. I was appalled to find these materials had little or nothing to do with female seduction. Instead, they were full of tidbits on sexual technique—which is quite different from seduction technique.
I then went to Webster’s dictionary, which defines seduction as: To draw aside from the path of rectitude and duty in any manner; to entice to evil; to lead astray; to tempt and lead to iniquity; to corrupt. Interesting, but still no help for men.
In a last ditch effort, I turned to Hollywood movies and their leading men’s contrived, formulaic seductions. Jackpot.
I believe many men see James Bond as the consummate role-model seducer. In his movies, Bond meets his match in a gorgeous, sexy woman (insert Bond girl name here). He seduces her with witty repartee, over charged testosterone and a martini that is shaken not stirred.
Part of Bond’s seductive ability is that he always leaves his beauty before the intense-lust stage is over. This begs the question. Is his seduction success based on the Bond charisma or on the Bond bale-out before the relationship goes stale?
Nevertheless, Bond’s secret to seduction has at least one thing correct. If there is a human psychological aphrodisiac, it is not moonlight, candles, raw oysters or even champagne; it’s novelty. The best seduction comes when a couple knows they are doing something new or something naughty or both.
So this leaves me where I started— a man who wants to spice up his relationship has no place to find inspiration.
In addition, men have a very confusing double standard around seduction. On one hand, society preaches that a “real-man” is virile, charismatic and will innately be fantastic at seduction (like Bond). On the other hand, pretty much everything to do with seduction is considered by “real men” to be sissy.
Add to this, every woman wants to be seduced differently. There are a few universal no-fail seduction techniques such as candlelight, long smoldering looks, kissing warm pulse points and soft caresses. However, after that it’s anyone’s guess what one woman will prefer.
I recall a fellow asking me how he could seduce his wife. I suggested something that I find fun: a lover’s board game, wine, nibbles and soft music. The wife hated it. She would have preferred him to cook a romantic dinner do the laundry and clean the bathroom.
Could it be any more ironic? Women have huge Harlequin romance seduction expectations and yet there is nothing for men to reference. Of course, a guy could educate himself using a chicks magazine or a romance novel. I suspect though that would be as interesting for him as me reading a car magazine—simply not going to happen.
Funny, my initial quest to make men wrong for being ambivalent about seduction has turned into sympathy.
With that comes my very unsexy advice for men who want to seduce their lover: You need to ask that special someone how they want to be seduced.
When asking, please do not use open-ended questions like, “How would you like me to seduce you?” Instead, you need to give women suggestions like, “Would you prefer a night in or a night out?” or, “a warm oil massage or a little tie-up?” or, “a candle lit dinner or a blindfolded feeding?”
Seduction options stretch as far as your wicked imagination. If you have no imagination, enlist the help of some gal-pals or seduction books written for women.
Now ladies we have to cut our men some slack. When he asks how you want to be seduced, tell him. If you give a wimpy answer like, “um, I don’t know”, or “surprise me”, you have then committed yourself to be happy with whatever he comes up with.
Personally, I feel incredibly sexy when I can confidently say, “I want you to kiss me here,” or, “I want you to do this for me.” It is an adrenaline rush that makes the seduction that much more sweet.
Of course ladies, heap on lots of well-deserved praise before, during and after the seduction.
Bottom line guys, women crave seduction. However you find inspiration, just go and do it. The novelty and newness will make the sex much more fun.
Dr. Trina Read has a doctorate in human sexuality. Dr. Read is also an international speaker and offers free sex tips on her website www.bestsextipsever.com.
Steve Cooper is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of Hitched. You can follow him on Twitter at @hitchedmedia.
