Family

For those divorced parents who are ordered to share some type of visitation arrangement over the summer with their child(ren), there are always disruptions and potential issues that arise—ones that need to be dealt with during the back-and-forth transitions. For those children who spend the entire summer vacation with "the other parent" (because, perhaps, one parent lives on the other side of the country) the child(ren’s) return to the primary parent’s residence can be stressful, confusing, and depressing.

A recent report from the medical journal JAMA Neurology highlights the fact that women represent nearly two-thirds of all elder care and says, "the best long-term care insurance in this country is a conscientious daughter." That may be good news for older Americans who are lucky to have an adult child caring for them, but could spell bad news for their daughters. "Daughter care," as some have coined it, can be risky business for a woman.

Coming from a Latin heritage, I was raised to believe that family is everything. That blood is thicker than water. Totally understandable and honorable. I, like many of you, would give my life for my kids and husband.

However, what if you are born into strong traditions and family codes that don't make sense anymore or are contradictory to your lifestyle and mental health? As toddlers up until adolescence even, we usually accept and integrate family patterns. We don’t know any different and as we grow older, these patterns become normal and expected. When something becomes expected and normal, it also becomes familiar and comfortable.

You’re supposed to feel weepy, forsaken and bereft. And maybe you do. Sometimes. Some days.

However, many parents are realizing that they also feel exhilarated, freer and, yes, sexier, when their kids grow up, leave home and go out on their own. It might be an empty nest, but there’s no "syndrome." At least, not in the negative sense. There’s no malady about it. It’s more like a club whose members are secretly celebrating having more quality time alone with their friends and with their spouse.

Magazine articles and TV doctors still tend to focus on "coping" with this midlife transition, and the identity crisis they say could lead to depression, alcoholism and divorce. But research reveals an empty nest can actually reduce stress and family conflicts.

When I was writing my first book, Father to Daughter, Life Lessons on Raising a Girl, there were a number of questions from dads expressing frustration with their wives about raising children. Over the years, I’ve had a chance to talk to hundreds and hundreds of dads and generally all have said the same thing. We’re either all married to the same woman, or women tend to think alike. So, as my gift to mothers everywhere, here’s a short explanation on being a dad.

"You can choose your friends but not your family."

As cliché as it might sound, the statement relating to family is very true: your family can either be your strength or your weakness. During the holidays family matters seem to take center stage because it is a time when conflicts, money and feelings can be tested. How you choose to handle conflict will determine whether you can actually enjoy one another’s company during the holidays.

"Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be, and already are, but don’t know how to be."  ~ Heath Buckmaster

Jarring is the mildest descriptor I can use to describe the space that is left with the departure of my last child. I feel lost in our home with only photos to fill the spaces that were not long ago embodied with the noise and mess of growing up. I cry intermittently at almost anything and struggle to imagine how to go from here, back to some sense of normalcy. But the truth is that there is no going back, only forward into a space that I cannot yet see.