You’re having dinner in a nice restaurant with your spouse when they let a loud one rip. Everyone stares in disgust, your spouse sits nonchalant and you can’t help but blush with embarrassment. Sound familiar? Or how about a situation where you’re having a good conversation with friends when all of a sudden your spouse sounds like Mel Gibson after a few too many drinks. Your peers are shocked and you wish you could deny all association. Sure, we can choose the person we want to be with, but we can’t control their actions. So how do you tell your spouse that he or she flat out embarrasses you?
First of all, understand that contrary to popular opinion, it is not other people that make you feel embarrassed. The root of embarrassment actually comes from within you. Dr. Ellyn Bader, co-founder of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California, and co-author of Tell Me No Lies says, “What each of us feel embarrassed about is located in our view of the world, our own childhood, our own upbringing, so something that is going to embarrass one person will not embarrass somebody else.”
Therefore, when approaching the subject, make sure that you acknowledge this point. “If you bring it up by saying, ‘You embarrassed me when you did…’ it is already likely to be a negative conversation,” says Dr. Bader. “So when you are talking about feeling embarrassed, if you can claim it as your own—for example, ‘I feel embarrassed when something happens because of these reasons’—then you’ll have a much higher likelihood of being heard.”
But before speaking with your spouse, decide what your ultimate goal is. Do you want him or her to change? Do you simply want to give them the opportunity to know you better? Do you want to punish them or are you in search of a promise from them, acknowledging that it will never happen again? Once you’ve decided on your ultimate goal, you’ll be able to express yourself and your needs better when the time comes to talk. “If you’re bringing it up because you want a change in behavior, then be explicit about that and be prepared to negotiate,” says Dr. Bader. She also says it’s okay if your only agenda is to inform your spouse about your feelings in reaction to their embarrassing behavior. “The worst is when you expect them to change and you’re not clear about it,” says Dr. Bader.
There’s no reason to keep your embarrassment a secret from your spouse—remember, they didn’t keep the gas to themselves. If nothing else, it provides them with a golden opportunity to know you better and understand where the root of the embarrassment comes from. And the two of you might even be able to turn that embarrassment into a lighthearted and fun situation. “When people have a good communication, they can start to tease and play with some of the things that are embarrassing,” says Dr. Bader.
However the two of you choose to deal with it, remember that nothing can be resolved until you talk about it. So, don’t be embarrassed to bring up the issue with your spouse. Your spouse may not stop his or her bad habits completely, but at least when dining in public, they might refrain from the embarrassingly loud ones and opt instead for the silent type. Now that’s true love.
Steve Cooper is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of Hitched. You can follow him on Twitter at @hitchedmedia.
