Cara, an athletic brunette with classic girl-next-door charm, grew up in a quiet suburb 20 minutes from Manhattan. When she was 14 she represented her state in swim (breaststroke) and at 23, she started working in the nonprofit world. Eight years ago, at 27, she packed away her ski gear and packed up her Lululemon’s, her dog-eared copy of “Eat, Love, Pray” and moved to Sydney, Australia to start a family with her (sexy accountant-meets-surfer) Aussie husband.
A few extra pounds, a mortgage and two (gorgeous!) kids later, their romance isn’t what it used to be. Now it was her copy of “Peaceful Parent, Happy Child” that was dog-eared and she had exchanged breaststroke for breastfeeding.
Her husband (Matt) was still every bit the accountant, and the surfer, but she not so much the “sexy” anymore. In fact, just a few months back, Cara confided in me that she felt her marriage had hit rock bottom. She had imagined losing herself in her husband’s arms, instead she was losing herself scrolling endlessly on Facebook.
When her husband yelled at the kids for getting play-dough on the carpets, or “forgot” yet another nap time—she wondered if her dorky high school sweetheart would have made a better father. (She’s not the only one who’s wondered this, right?)
Cara was a passionate mother, but not a passionate wife. She had enthusiasm and patience for her children, but not her husband. Even though divorce actually wasn’t on the table because things weren’t quite bad enough, she still felt like their marriage was failing.
However, Cara had that little voice in her head and knew that she deserved a meaningful and satisfying relationship. She wasn’t ready to give up. Her sister-in-law recommended a therapist, and she was so excited to finally end the bickering and to get things back on track. Unfortunately, her husband didn’t like the “look” the therapist had given him. And he definitely didn’t like the bill at the end of the session. “Six months of this?” He whined. “I’m not doing it.”
Cara felt desperate… that’s when she discovered the core principles of the Peaceful Partnering philosophy, a radically different approach to anything she’d ever heard of before. This approach is so different because it empowers us to make transformations in our relationships by controlling the only thing we can—ourselves. Rather than waiting idly for our partner to one day change (wishful thinking) we create the change that we want to see.
How did she do this? By adhering to the following three core steps to becoming a passionate woman who could show up in her relationship better than every before:
1. Radical responsibility: Rather than focusing her attention on what she couldn’t change (Matt), Cara learned to focus her attention on herself. Her own inner talk, her own behaviors, thoughts—and therefore feelings. She learned that she was actively creating the very conflicts she so disdained—even as she was blaming Matt for it. This was incredibly empowering as it put her back in the driver’s seat to take the relationship (and more importantly—her experience of it) what she most wanted it to be.
2. Drama Proofing: Cara learned that she could stop escalation’s quickly and effectively—and instead get to the root cause of the issue—without the hours of painful disconnect (gas-lighting, name-calling, cold shoulders) that she used to think of as “inevitable.” She learned she could use positive psychological primers, triggers and subconscious messaging to convey peace, love and harmony and disarm Matt—and, more surprisingly, herself.
3. Unconditional Love: Ultimately, Cara found, both her and Matt wanted the same thing. They wanted to be thought of well, they wanted to be given the benefit of the doubt, and they wanted to feel completely safe to surrender into each other, without fear of reprimand or rejection. Unfortunately, unconditional love is something so few of us have experienced—but that all of us want and need—but something you don’t have is a darn hard thing to offer. Cara and Matt had a lot of healing to do, but once they did, their relationship became the safe haven they were both looking for.
Cara said, ”My husband is trying so much more, standing up for me, and trying to understand and get on board with my parenting style. Yes, we still argue sometimes, but now I’m confident that we’ll bounce back. And I know HOW to make that happen! I’m more in love with Matt than I’ve been in years. We’re a team again. It’s changed my life forever, thank you.”
Cara could have continued to play the victim. She could have played the blame game till death did them part. Or she could have called it quits, and given up on what was essentially a healthy, but misguided relationship. She could have given up, because she had bought in to an old, broken narrative. Instead, she made a radical change, and transformed her life as a result.
Dr. Laura Markham
Dr. Laura Markham is the editor of the parenting web site www.AhaParenting.com, offering solutions and inspiration you can use every day to create the family of your dreams. She specializes in helping families nurture the parent-child relationships that protect today's kids. Dr. Markham lives in New York with her husband, teenage daughter and son.
