The masses have spoken. I’ve had numerous people e-mail asking how to communicate better around their sexual encounters. In my humble opinion, teaching people nuclear physics would be an easier request.
Why? It’s pretty much impossible for most people to look another person in the eye and talk sex. Imagine, casually saying to your spouse over supper, “It would be fun to mutually masturbate each other during sex tonight.” Or, “I think our sex is getting a bit stale, we should go to an adult store and buy some toys.” Or, “I have been faking orgasm for the last two years.” (I know people who can communicate like this; they live in California.)
People, we have been taught since birth that speaking about sex is taboo. Suddenly, we are grown up and our sex is not what the romance novels promised. We want to say something to our significant other, but do not know where to begin.
Blindly we go into a conversation. Sometimes the words come out in a squeak, and then we feel terrible for saying something; or we cannot get our courage up and say nothing. No matter, after the conversation we sometimes feel stupid and inadequate.
The root of all this suffering comes from a fear of being rejected.
Men are raised to believe that they should instinctively know how to please a woman. Discussing sex would make him less of a man. Men feel by saying something they will be rejected as a poor lover.
Typically, women do not want to create a conflict by expressing their dislikes. There is a feeling that by speaking her needs, her lover will reject and leave her. As well, women are taught not to speak of sex in order to be regarded as a “lady.”
Many people reading intellectually can say they do not prescribe to these beliefs, and yet these social ideals are plastered like wallpaper everywhere in our society.
What ends up happening is communication around sex never comes out as communication around sex. The tension of being unable to express true feelings is pushed down and then bubbles up in other areas of life. It becomes the proverbial fight over the toothpaste cap.
Here are some ideas before you go to have a conversation about sex.
Know Your Sex Hot Buttons
When our significant other starts to push our hot buttons, our ability to have a constructive conversation goes south. Make a checklist of what sexual issues in your relationship set you off (i.e. differing libidos, or spouse wants to try something different, etc.)
Then consciously note during a discussion when you start to get defensive. This is a good time to keep your mouth clamped shut because no good can come from an emotional or defensive conversation. Take a time out.
During your time out, come to terms with why this conversation pushed your buttons. Go back to the conversation after you have cooled down and do your best to resolve the issue.
Sex is a Team Effort
Tense conversations tend to become a you-versus-me. When hurt, we only take into consideration our own feelings, wants and desires. We hardly, if ever, think about how the other person must feel.
It takes two people to create a sexual problem. If you are unhappy, chances are so is the other person (even though they might not look or act it). Take the high road to understand their perception of the situation. You will be able to work towards a solution more quickly.
Not a Mind Reader
Two words for great sex: be specific. Most of us walk around with unspoken expectations of how we feel sex should be. Because it seems like no-brainer stuff, we assume everyone else must feel the same way.
Have some compassion for your partner. Trying to understand your unspoken sexual expectations is like trying to get around an unknown city without a road map.
Also, watch your “you never”, “you always”, “not enough”, “too much” phrasing. What does it mean when you say, “you do not touch me enough”? Or, “we always do the same things in bed”?
Instead, Specify with your words, with your touch or with excerpts from a book, show your spouse exactly what you want. Always give positive feedback when they succeed.
Yep, communication around sex is tricky. The best place to start is being brave
enough to say something, or perhaps anything to them. Good communication, like good sex, only comes with a lot of practice.
Dr. Trina Read has a doctorate in human sexuality. Dr. Read is also an international speaker and offers a free sex audio tip weekly on her website www.trinaread.com/t-sextips.
Steve Cooper is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of Hitched. You can follow him on Twitter at @hitchedmedia.
