Your spouse suggests having friends over for a weekly poker night. You think, “Hey, why not? It’s personal time among friends—that’s healthy in any relationship.” You want to be supportive and gladly agree to the proposition. However, the evenings of fun and games quickly turn into rowdy get-togethers. Soon your house is Mandalay Bay and you’re positive that Joe Pesci is going to kick down your front door any minute. Surely, your spouse is aware of the problem and will fix it on his or her own. However, weeks go by and your spouse doesn’t seem bothered in the least by the out-of-control evenings. How do you break it to your spouse that enough is enough and you want the in-house casino shut down?
As simple as it might seem, the situation at hand is actually far more complex and must be handled with caution, says Peter Pearson, co-founder of The Couples Institute (www.couplesinstitute.com) in Menlo Park, California, and co-author of Tell Me No Lies. In fact, this poker scenario represents one of many similar scenarios couples may experience: “It’s a struggle between our independent individual desires and [our desire to] support a relationship that flourishes,” says Pearson.
So how do you best approach this potentially tumultuous subject? If this were a real casino, you’d just wink at the pit boss, and he’d have the suits come over and “handle things.” Unfortunately, that’s not an option. So for you, the first step is to be sensitive to your spouse’s feelings and needs. While this could apply to either spouse, we’ll use the wife as an example. “When the wife brings it up, I think it’s important for her to be aware that that’s going to put him in an internal conflict,” advises Pearson. “He’s going to struggle between the feeling of ‘I want to respond to my wife and have a good marriage,’ and ‘I want some freedom, too.’” If you’re aware of this internal conflict before approaching the subject, you’ll be more sensitive to phrasing your issue in a more understanding and loving way.
Next, take a deeper look at the factors that might play a role in this seemingly simple request. On both sides, there may be issues from the past that affect each spouse’s reaction. “How many times has she felt discounted in her life—that gets triggered if he makes a choice that leaves her feeling dishonored, and he won’t be able to understand it,” says Pearson. “And she’s not sure what it represents for him. Maybe he’s learning how to get a voice for himself and be a better advocate for himself. Now he’s trying to stand up for himself about poker.”
If you’ve communicated your thoughts openly, taking into consideration past influences, and your spouse still doesn’t want to abandon poker night, it’s time to take a step back. Don’t let past issues affect the current situation, and most importantly, don’t take the decision personally. “Sometimes people over-personalize it and then they make it about their partner or about themselves: They don’t love me, if they really loved me they would give up this stupid poker game,” says Pearson. You might not be happy with this outcome, but the best reaction is to understand and respect your spouse’s need for space and personal freedom.
Perhaps this stand for poker rights will initiate a deeper conversation and, ultimately, a better understanding of one another. “If each can begin to recognize the potentially conflicting parts of themselves, then they each can talk about the conflicting part with compassion, without taking it personally. And then they will have a chance to come up with a solution that works for both,” says Pearson.
If not, you can always wink at Pesci when he kicks down the door.
Steve Cooper is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of Hitched. You can follow him on Twitter at @hitchedmedia.
