Tag: appreciated

I have been in many platonic and romantic relationships where all I’ve craved was to feel loved. Where all I wanted was approval of who I was. To feel cared for.

I have been in many work relationships where all I’ve craved was to feel appreciated. Where all I wanted was validation for the work that I’ve done. To feel valued.

These cravings didn’t all happen at once. Sometimes I’d be more focused on my friendships and romantic relationships and then other times work; but what I found was that I had this overall sense that I wasn’t getting what I needed. And while I wasn’t getting what I needed if you asked me what would satisfy this craving I couldn’t tell you.

Authentic romance is unbelievably awesome at all levels. Romance is a feeling and an expression. It’s not difficult to add to your marriage either. In fact, we sometimes do not recognize it in our own gestures or that of our spouse’s.

I believe that your husband or wife’s love language is also part of his or her romantic language. Let’s get beyond the idealized notions (greeting cards, flowers, chocolate, etc.) and focus on an expression of how you feel and how you want the other person to feel. Everything else falls into the "toolbox" category.

You’ll always remember your first real "grown up" job. Like any first in life, it’s pretty memorable.

Was it a good work setting? Did you feel valued? Appreciated? Or did your efforts go unnoticed or worse were they put down? Belittled?

I always enjoyed working at a large stockbroking firm during my summer vacations. I felt grown up, working in a corporate atmosphere, my first real exposure to the real world.

Who's the better spouse? Do you do all of the laundry, cooking and dishes? Do you regularly clean up your spouse's mess? Clearly you have the high ground here. Well, not so fast… what's your intent?

For example, your spouse habitually misses the laundry hamper and their dirty clothes litter the area around it. Irritated, you fuss and fume, but you toss their dirty clothes in and now the hamper is over-full and laundry must be done.

You scrimp, you save, you wash dishes, mop floors, endlessly pick up dropped sweaters, towels, CDs, dirty dishes, endlessly put away said sweaters, towels, and whatever else needs to be done; regardless of how tired you are or how early/late/inconvenient it is—and that’s on top of your 40-stretching-to-50 hour work week. Does your one-and-only appreciate it? Does he stop to say "Wow, good job! Sparkling clean dishes, great floors—thanks!" or "Gee, Honey, spot-free glasses and a neat house. You're awesome!" Noooo. OK, so you can understand that others might take you for granted, but your spouse? Grrr.

And how about the effort you make outside the home? No matter what the morning was like (the cat threw up on the couch, you were up with the baby all night, you were out of coffee and Diet Coke), you square your shoulders, take a deep breath and walk in to work with a smile on your face and your very best positive attitude.

You had your toenails painted a bright luminous blue with op-art squiggles—a radical departure from your usually squiggle-less pale pink—and wiggle your bare toes happily when you're getting ready for bed that night. Does your husband notice? No, he just stays glued to the 11:00 o'clock news, even though nothing particularly earth-shattering is going on. You try harder. You put a foot between him and the TV, wiggle it around and say, "Notice anything different?" and he says, "Huh? Could you put your foot down, honey, I can't see the TV." So you do, and get in your side of the bed, angrily punching a place for your head in the pillow, feeling deprived and pouty.

You wonder what's changed since those wonderful early days when he worshipped the ground you walked on. You wonder why your friends, co-workers and even the cashier at the supermarket will give you compliments, but your husband never does.