Tag: boundaries

"There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors of perception." ~ Aldous Huxley

I am not proud of the moments when something cracks in me and I become someone I hardly recognize. The times when a powerful storm lets loose inside me without warning, remaining stubbornly unpredictable.

The triggers are complex; rarely can I trace them to some direct input. Rather they are reflections of the internal conflicts, which more often than not go unnamed and unattended. They are the invisible cracks in our own heart that control us in ways that are potentially damaging precisely because they are invisible.

Doors slamming. Eyes rolling. Extended middle fingers. One-word discussions. Outrageous demands for more money, newer cars and less chores. In a survey, over 90 percent of parents who answered the question, "What are your top three parenting issues," all responded with either lack or respect or bad attitude.

But what’s strange is these same kids have friends whose parents they do respect! In 12 years of interviewing kids and parents, I know that most teens have what I call a Kool-Aid house, a home where kids of all stripes congregate, not because there are no rules, but indeed because there are strict rules about language, drugs, alcohol and behavior.

You’ve just walked in the door after a long day at work. The kitchen is a mess and the kids are arguing over who is responsible. As you set your briefcase on the counter, a flying apple misses your head—by inches. Then poof! The kids disappear—without so much as a hello (or goodbye!)—and you are left with a dirty, cluttered kitchen. Muttering under your breath, you are now cleaning up everyone’s mess feeling more like a doormat than a parent.

What is wrong with these children? Where do they get the idea they can throw things? Why don’t they have the decency to at least say hello when you walk in the door?

Just when I'm feeling Zen—confident I'm manifesting a beautiful life à la Law of Attraction—someone in a bad mood or who is clearly not concerned about me enters my personal space and gets me completely off-kilter. You know who I'm talking about—those who don't listen to you, push their way on you. They are so skilled that they make you question your desires, values, or goals as they charmingly persuade you to do their will.

I have an overbearing/martyr-type mother-in-law. Both my husband and I realize this and know that we need to set boundaries, but are very unsure how to go about it. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and feels his mother is a trigger for his drinking. He wants to stop all communication with her, but I think it's best to talk with her and set boundaries. Neither of us wants the confrontation, but know it is vital to our relationship/sanity. Please help!

Dealing with difficult in-laws can be an overwhelming challenge whether dealing with an overbearing mother-in-law who believes her opinions are superior to yours or a martyr who tries to make you feel guilty whenever your needs conflict with hers.

Do people expect a lot from you? If you’re reading this article it is likely your answer is "yes." Let me also ask you this —do others’ demands on and expectations of you take up an outsized amount of time and energy in your life? Keep in mind that what constitutes outsized differs. The amount of attention you need to devote to your child, for instance, is generally different if the child is young or an able-bodied adult.