Tag: commandment of marriage

There is nothing more wonderful than a good solid relationship where you enjoy each other, enjoy spending time with each other, and share common interests. That does not, however, mean that you have to be together all of the time and do everything together.

In order to enjoy your time together and to maintain a good marriage, it’s important to allow yourself special time for you. This might be exercise time, reading time, watching a ball game or even enjoying the luxury of a massage. The point is, in order to be at your best in your partnership, you must feel good about yourself. That means that, occasionally, it’s okay to take care of you. You don’t want to feel resentful that you never have any time to yourself to rest or just pamper yourself with a hot bath or long shower, a good book or a crossword puzzle.

There is a place for the kitchen sink. It belongs in the kitchen, not in any argument you may have with your partner. Many arguments deteriorate into the so-called "kitchen sink" form of argument, which does nothing to enhance the relationship. This commandment requires you and your partner to stick to the subject and not rehash all of the old disagreements that seem to come up over and over and never resolve.

For example, if you are upset that your spouse drops his clothes on the floor when he undresses every night and assumes you will clean up after him, that is a legitimate issue to raise. But, the fact that he forgot your birthday last year has nothing to do with the issue at hand, and presumably has already been brought to his attention.

Let's face it. You're all individuals with your own histories, feelings and responses. That means that each new relationship into which you enter will layer on new histories and feelings and, probably new responses. This "baggage" is something you carry around forever. And, of course, when you marry you bring all your baggage from past relationships to the new relationship. By baggage, I also mean past hurts, happiness and attitudes.

For example, you have developed ways of dealing with situations from your family of origin. If you are the youngest child in a family, perhaps you expect more attention from others than would a middle child.

Relationships are difficult. A relationship takes work, compromise and a lot of understanding. Most of all, it takes communication. Just because you’re in love with your spouse doesn’t mean that all will run smoothly.

What is love? Everyone’s definition is different, but poets have been writing about it for centuries. For example, "true love is where your heart and your minds are saying the same thing" or "love is like quicksand—the harder you fall in, the harder it is to get out."

It is almost impossible to share a life with someone with whom you can't communicate. Most relationships that fail are ones where people talk past each other, rather than to each other. How can one meet the needs of the other if they don't know what they are? And, how can you know what they are if you can't hear what's being said because you haven't learned to listen? Finally, what skills must you develop so that your thoughts, feeling and needs are recognized?

Listening is a skill that must be developed. Try this little exercise some time: Repeat back to someone what you think they've said to you. It is not easy. People tend to listen with half their brain, while they're thinking of how to respond (or, perhaps