Tag: desire

If someone close to you asked you to describe your ideal sexual experience, what kind of encounter would you describe? How would it begin? What would be involved? Where would it take place? Most importantly, how would it feel?

For some, the answers to these questions may be easy to articulate. For others, not so much. Being able to voice our deepest personal needs and desires is not always an easy thing to do—especially when it comes to sex. Most will agree though, that identifying and expressing exactly what we want (and don’t want) in a sexual relationship with an intimate partner is crucial in establishing a healthy and fulfilling sex life—namely one characterized by consent and equal pleasure.

"Sex is always about emotions.  Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions."  ~ Deepak Chopra

Here is the sad truth about the sex lives in many long-term partnerships: often it is either the glue that keeps the relationship strong or the thorn in its side, a source of persistent pain and discord. Endless books and articles substantiate both the frequency and damage of the sexless marriage. Of all the conflicts that come between couples, there is no more painful and destructive injury than that of sexual rejection. Whether the conversation gets stuck in the frustration of who comes first or not at all, or in the score keeping of who initiates and who rejects more, or lost in the persistent silent erosion of who isn’t in the mood matters little.

It’s been a year since I’ve had my baby and I never feel like having sex. Am I normal?

Very normal. Quite frankly, why would you feel like having sex? All the changes to your body’s hormones, the sheer exhaustion, and feeling overwhelmed are in no way an aphrodisiac.

That said, the first two years after baby couples often create poor sex habits, which will make for an unhappy sex life many years after… instigating a lot of unnecessary fights. It’s important to make efforts to have sex or at the very least a space for connected intimacy on a regular basis.

Every second of every day, there is some relationship being damaged or lost because of neediness. But neediness is not a disease. It is not genetic. It is not inevitable. And, it can be completely overcome. In every relationship that I help to reconcile, there is some aspect of overcoming neediness. I work with the real down and out relationships. You know, the ones where one spouse wants out or cares little for the emotional well being of the other. Most counselors believe the best thing to do in this situation is to help the couple to end their relationship—amicably or otherwise. Well, I can agree that in many aspects that is easier. But, most of the time it is not necessary.

"Joy rather than happiness, is the goal of life, for joy is the emotion which accompanies our fulfilling our natures as human beings.  It is based on the experience of one’s identity as a being of worth and dignity." ~ Rollo May

The other day when I was out to dinner with my 17-year-old daughter, half a pizza and salad still on the table, she said "We didn’t really need the pizza." She went on, "I don’t like to eat until I am full anymore…. Most people don’t think about food the right way—they think of it as comfort, not fuel. I feel better when I eat just enough."

It’s a common problem for couples: After a while things get a bit ho-hum in the bedroom. Whether the issue is frequency (you can count this year’s sexy-time sessions on one hand) or creativity (you’re not quite stuck in a missionary-position-with-the-lights-off rut, but close), you’d like to spice things up. Problem is, you’re too shy/embarrassed/inhibited to bring it up… and even if you could find the nerve, you wouldn’t know where to begin.

The idea of "falling in love" as an all-consuming passion over which we seem to have little control, is standard romantic fare. We meet someone with whom there is a strong physical and even emotional attraction. We may even get to the stage where we become mildly obsessed. We can't seem to get this love interest out of our minds. We not only think about this lucky one constantly, but when we see him/her we often get all warm and fuzzy inside and our body might do things which we didn't exactly plan for. Finally, we get hitched and regrettably, sometime after, the excitement gradually wanes or, for some, comes to a screeching halt. Then some of us claim to have "fallen out of love." Did we honestly expect to maintain these heady feelings for a lifetime and what are our relationship options in marriage when this intensity begins to fade?