Tag: ego

Tired of being stuck because you’re afraid to make the wrong choice? Afraid to make the wrong choice because you don’t trust yourself? Are you not trusting yourself because you are over-identified with logic and the control mechanisms of the ego?

It’s not your soul you don’t trust.

When you get that fleeting wave of inspiration, that is your soul. When you have a brilliant idea that you then discard immediately because it feels too grand, that is your soul.

Many clients who come through my door—those ready to file for divorce—state a long list of reasons for getting one, but more often than not it is because the non-narcissistic spouse is fed up with the one who is! There are many definitions and interpretations of the word narcissist. In my opinion, I think this personality type can be defined in a soundbite: "It’s all about me!" Self-centered, an inflated sense of self, admiration of oneself, and the belief that his/her needs should top the needs of those around him/her, are all typical indicators that will eventually cause trouble in a relationship, unless the narcissist’s mate doesn’t care about the kind of abuse only a narcissist can mete out.

It starts as a whirlwind romance; you’re swept off your feet by their charms and attention. They say everything you’ve ever wanted to hear, and fulfill the deeply specific craving for attention you’ve always needed. Then time goes on. The love struck compliments are replaced by snide jabs and staggering overreactions. You find your needs neglected or overridden. The caring and empathetic qualities you prized so deeply, are replaced by coldness you never thought possible.

Many spiritual teachers and traditions teach about the power of being present in the moment. By cultivating an egoless state, they claim that you can find great joy and happiness in life. The problem is, many teachers don’t explain how to experience egolessness outside of years of contemplative practice. Meditation is an important process of self-actualization, but doesn’t always translate into the everyday world.

While developing a deep, empathic listening skill as part of my work as a peacemaker, I suddenly experienced non-ego for about 15 seconds. It was remarkable because I felt exactly as the teachers said I would.

There you are, flat on your back under the kitchen sink, trying valiantly to repair the plumbing as it drips cold water all over your face and you cry out to your spouse, "Would you hand me the wrench please?"

Your beloved nonchalantly ambles over, munching on a chip and asks, "What wrench?"

"The wrench," you say, exasperated, "The only wrench we have!"

"Oh, that wrench," your spouse says. "I lent it to your brother a couple of weeks ago."

Some of the most popular blog posts on pop psychology sites detail how we can protect ourselves from narcissists and other self-absorbed people. And while these posts might be helpful for those who are not sure if they are involved in emotionally abusive relationships, these oversimplified articles don’t typically serve others nearly as well.

I admit it. I feel a little sorry for men sometimes. Even now, in the 21st century, cultural conditioning has led them to believe they must fit into certain boxes of masculinity. Boxes that tell them things like, "Be a man" and "Women like tough guys" and "Suck it up."

In other words, men are taught to suppress their feelings, never be insecure, walk with confidence and swagger, and not EVER cry. Doesn’t that sound a bit harsh? Not to mention unfair. I think so.