Tag: fight

Say it with me: Just as there’s no such thing as perfection, there is no perfect relationship. And whether you’ve been married for a long time or not, companionship is usually only as good as our own relationship with our number one: our very own self.

So if relationships aren’t supposed to make us whole, what are they for in the first place? This Valentine’s Day, consider the value of messiness in your relationships (romantic and otherwise). Messiness is what makes for more fun, deeper connection and intimacy, greater trust, expanded compassion, more room for acceptance and self-expression, and some of the best damn lessons you’ll ever learn. Here are my tips for how you can incorporate messiness into your own relationship—and learn to celebrate the imperfections.

As we think about life skills that we want to teach our kids, a few things that may come to mind are: washing dishes, balancing a bank account, and keeping a clean home. However, how to have a respectful disagreement should be high on that list.

There are two schools of thought on the topic of arguing in front of children. One group: don’t do it. The other: how do you not? There are a few things to consider as we open this Pandora’s Box.

The tendency to let financial decision-making unfold in relationships without prior planning and communication leads money to be a top contender in couple conflict. All of us have beliefs about money that we bring into marriage, beliefs about how it is all going to work, but too often we do not articulate these beliefs to our partner. Our money beliefs are created, often subconsciously, with influence from our families, society, and gender-related expectations. Often, neither spouse knows what the other expects nor how his or her partner’s beliefs will mesh with his or her own. Hence, the struggle over money.

The evening was going great until Katherine said to Dan, "I know we have plans for Friday night, just the two of us, but would you mind if we included our neighbors for dinner? I ran into Jan today, and it was good to see her, so she and I thought it would be a great idea to make it a foursome."

Dan’s first response was, "So you changed our plans without asking me? You know how I hate it when you do that. I don’t understand why you’ve put me in this position again when you know how I feel."

It was Sophia’s birthday and even though she had asked her husband, James, not to plan a weekend with his kids on her birthday, he did. His reason? His ex-wife had made plans months ahead for that same weekend, and James didn’t want his kids to be with a babysitter. He figured he and Sophia could celebrate her birthday on a different date.

Sophia, once again, felt unimportant and last on his list of priorities. As you can imagine, this recurring issue caused a major argument between the two of them.

"So…how’s your relationship?" If someone asks you this question at the right time (after a big fight, for instance), it will unleash a flood of frustration: She’s too sensitive. The other day I suggested she forgo a second piece of cake—just because I care about her health, mind you—and she fell apart like a $2 watch!

Or, he’s like a robot. He doesn’t care about how I feel at all! Every time I try to talk about our marriage, he just shuts down. That makes me mad, so I keep pushing and pushing until we’re screaming at each other.

Having an argument with your sweetie can ruin your day—or even your week. Wouldn’t you love to learn the art of disagreeing without hurting each other? You can become a master in managing conflict within your marriage by following a few basic steps with dedication. Occasional quarrels are a natural and healthy part of relationships. Differing opinions are not problematic when managed in a positive, respectful manner. A multitude of conscious and unconscious factors play into each couple’s unique conflict management patterns. While good, clean fighting habits can keep lines of communication clear and open, destructive fighting patterns can truly wreak havoc on a relationship over time. When we don’t strive to become more aware and mindful of our habits and patterns, our unconscious behaviors tend to take over and rule our lives.