Tag: grace

Change is inevitable: relationships and roles end, jobs disappear, business deals fall apart, finances become strained, family and friends move away, illnesses or disabilities erode health, loved ones die, and life as you knew it can transform overnight. Mine did as I navigated through chaotic times for many years when my husband was stricken with a mysterious, disabling illness.

Keeping your energy up and stress level down through these shifts is vital for your well-being, health, and peace of mind. Let these strategies guide you through times of change.

You don’t often see joy used in the same sentence as death. But when my husband Bruce was diagnosed with an aggressive stage 4 cancer, my family had to confront his impending death and in the process we found ways to surround him with friends, children, grandchildren, laughter, memories, love, and yes, joy.

When Bruce decided to stop treatment, he transitioned from being someone who was sick and fighting for time to someone who was dying and fighting for the things that made him happy: family, traveling, chocolate, wine. By accepting he was dying we were all able to focus our energies on achieving the peaceful end-of-life experience that he wanted.

I used to think I knew about courage. I would often write and talk about it as a defining attribute that allowed you to explore and wonder about your life. And referred to it as the backbone of what gives relationships the strength to evolve. Those things are true, but in a more fundamental way for more people than I probably ever recognized before this massive loss, our capacity for courage is actually proportional to our will to keep living.

One of the meditations that my spiritual teacher taught me to use during this time was the classic practice of Tonglen—except, using myself and Ian and all the mothers who have ever lost their children as the subjects… Visualizing and breathing in my own pain and the pain of my son is searing, and I am often at the reaches of my faith as I breathe out the felt sense of being held by the divine…

Has a well-planned romantic dinner for two ever turned into a bad date night and an argument because your husband (or wife) seems to always find something to complain about at the restaurant? Consider giving him the benefit of the doubt that his fish really is too "fishy" or her steak is too salty, but also give your spouse a quick tutorial on how to complaining with grace.

1. If you must complain, do it with conviction. Don't start off your complaint with "Maybe it's just me, but…" or "It might be my imagination…" or "I am sorry I have to tell you this…" Simply call the server over and state the problem. "My chicken is not completely cooked, would you please ask the chef to take care of it? Thank you so much (with a big smile) is a better solution than an apology before your request.