Tag: guilt

"Mom guilt" is the phrase of the day.

Moms seem to be slinking through life with more guilt than the guy who thought "New Coke" was a good idea.

C’mon ladies, did we cause the collapse of Enron or dabble in water boarding as a child?  If not, I’d say it’s time to lighten up and drop the guilt.

And what are we feeling so guilty about? Working outside the home or working inside the home? Not having psychic abilities when it comes to your child’s needs? Being too rigid or too relaxed?

You’ve done the deed and cheated on your spouse. Now in the aftermath you aren’t sure what to do. Some people feel telling a spouse about an affair is an absolute must. Others feel that under certain circumstances it is best to put the episode behind you and try to heal the marriage. Who is right? Or is there a right answer?

This question all started when my husband I and were listening an interviewee talking about why he felt cheating was healthy for a relationship. Both of us have had ex-partners who’ve cheated on us and my husband first said, "It’s just better not to tell." I was like, "WTF? Of course you have to tell. You’ve done the deed and you need to come clean."

Carrie and Carl thought their sex life would improve once they married and were more relaxed with one another. But three months after the wedding vows, both felt disappointed. Carl expected it daily. He also felt he wasn’t man enough without it.

Carrie felt shy and a bit guilty about sex. She initially complied out of duty, but soon tired of Carl’s impersonal way. She became adept at finding excuses to avoid sex. Privately she knew that she had never fully discovered how to let herself enjoy sex. They both knew there was something missing emotionally between them.

Do your in-laws call constantly? Do they invite themselves over and drop by unannounced? Do they beg you to visit them all the time… especially during the holidays? Do they give frequent unwanted advice about finances or the way you raise your kids? Do they manipulate you with guilt if you don’t do exactly what they think you should? Do they control you with money and gifts? Do they insist that you follow their holiday traditions? Do they gossip behind your back?

For millions of Americans, being out of work is an all too familiar situation. The jobs that people once had have been eliminated; bills are due, part-time jobs aren’t paying well, families need to eat and unemployment is running out. For those who were the breadwinners, guilt, failure, hopelessness and stress can feel overwhelming. So how do you take care of yourself if you find yourself in this predicament?

Sexual desire, when strong, seems indestructible. However, desire is easy to kill. Inhibited desire—as we therapists call it—is the main problem in marital sexual disorders and probably the number one complaint in most marriage counseling sessions.

Sexual desire is quite fragile and many feelings whether relational, emotional or sexual can slowly start to poison it. The core issue is identifying, understanding and addressing these factors. I like to think of these as the poisons a couple needs to understand about one another in order for them to move on.

Imagine what life might look like if we all had a good, solid dose of sex education. Imagine shame and guilt—the two constant companions of countless sex drives—replaced with curiosity and wonder. Pleasure of all kinds would become a welcome respite and our capacity to combine long lasting relationships with our own personal language of intimacy would thrive.

I daresay, if our kids believed we wanted them to have healthy and vital intimate lives, they would be getting a better education of what healthy sex looks like just from growing up at home. Imagine if great sex was celebrated as part of the journey of growing up over a lifetime. Maybe porn would even get boring, and clandestine affairs would seem not worth the price. A little sex education could go a long way to revolutionizing how we live and love.