Tag: habit

If you google "habit change," you will find articles that provide anywhere from 7 to 29 ways to implement new behavior. There is even a pretty intense flow chart on How to Change a Habit by Charles Duhigg. It’s overwhelming to think about making any life changes, especially when there are 29 ways to do it. It doesn’t have to be that complicated, in fact it’s not. By following only four specific rules for habit change it’s possible to achieve your goals.

We humans live a well-worn path, often living the same life over and over, day after day. It takes true effort to blaze a new trail because we’re simply not wired for change; we’re wired for habit. Our brains like reliability and consistently.

This is why creating a new practice, like regular date nights (or anything for that matter), isn’t always easy. Even if you really want to have regular, quality couple time, there’s a very good chance that you’ll naturally revert back to your old ways of not prioritizing date night.

Allow me to introduce you to your Inner Witness.

First, through the study of neuroscience, we understand that we each develop patterns of thinking, also known as neural pathways. We can also learn about neural plasticity and our ability to create change around these neural pathways.

Without this awareness, our thinking, our reactions to life events, and our internal dialogue can become habitual, with routine responses to external stimuli that are triggered automatically, without our conscious awareness.

"Becoming fully conscious of our perceptions—simply feeling what we feel and knowing what we know—is the very definition of awakening. It creates a virtually indestructible foundation for lasting relationships, successful endeavors, and inner peace." ~ Martha Beck

Our emotional habits can become our emotional prison without even knowing it. They are the blind spot that everyone who knows us sees first about us, but one where we can be forever clueless. Like all habits, what we do all the time, becomes second nature to us, before we even reflect, the habit is taking over, leading us. But emotional habits are even more pervasive and in some ways harder to perceive and change because these habits are highly charged, having developed over years as a protective device to regulate our lives.

A feeling of being underappreciated is one of the chief complaints I hear when working with couples. Both men and women commonly tell me that their loved ones seem to take their efforts for granted. A sense of not being appreciated can take a toll on even the best of marriages.

A meaningful expression of gratitude can signify deep respect and appreciation for the efforts—large or small—of another person. Partners feel valued and encouraged when their actions are noticed and appreciated. Studies show that couples who focus on consistently and genuinely expressing gratitude have healthier and longer-lasting relationships. If your relationship is suffering from a lack of mutual appreciation, read on.

There’s no time like spring to take a fresh, invigorating look at your relationship. As the cold days of winter fade away, we take off layers of winter coats and sweaters as we prepare for gentle rain and sweet sunshine. This is, after all, the time of year that new growth begins to take root. Yet, as much as nature takes charge to "do its thing," a skilled gardener knows that a top-notch garden is carefully cultivated and well-tended. Although we might get a gorgeous crop of tomatoes or a massive load of zucchini now and again as a result of sunny skies and a dose of good luck, we also realize that skill, patience, and dedicated effort bring about the most wondrous and consistent results.

January signals a fresh start, at least the noble intention of transformation. This kind of change consists of either sweeping resolutions or small-step evolutions for personal goals. However, what if the person you live with does not entertain even the slightest thought about change, let alone a glorious transformation? Many women who read self-help books have absorbed the notion that, "If I change my own dynamics, everyone around me will change." So, in the real world does this strategy work with your husband?