Tag: resolve

Unless you are living in an isolated cave, social conflict is inevitable. Our needs, interests, and desires collide with each other, getting in the way of our happiness.

Conflict is not inherently bad, however. We need conflict to teach us, entertain us, and help us grow. We can probably do without Jerry Springer’s craziness, but a certain amount of conflict is healthy. On the other hand, we also experience unhealthy conflict; when the conflict becomes chronic and repetitive, it is toxic.

There are seven components that create a healthy marriage, and if any of those elements are missing in your marriage, your needs are probably not getting met.

You can't simply express your "needs" to your partner, without first working to create a healthier marriage overall. What would happen if you told your spouse that, "you never listen to me?" Listening is a "need," but without having good communication skills in your marriage, that need will never get met. Or, what if your spouse told you he’s not happy because he’s not getting enough sex.

Months before they married, Kyle told Hilary he wanted to dance with her at their wedding. Hilary agreed, and they signed up for dancing lessons. But when the wedding day arrived, the train on Hilary’s dress made it too awkward for them to dance together. Kyle was terribly disappointed. To make matters worse, though he had clearly told Hilary that he didn’t want her to stuff cake in his mouth, she went ahead and did it anyway. When his face burned red with embarrassment, as he’d told her it would, she laughed at him.

"Don’t take it so seriously!" she said. "It’s just a little frosting on your face. Everybody does it."

Have you ever been drawn into a fight with a loved one where by the time you got knee-deep into who’s "right" and who’s "wrong" over the most trivial thing it felt as if, somehow, your very life depended on the outcome of that fight?

We’ve all had moments like this, perhaps too many times; which is why it seems strange that we’ve yet to see the following: there’s no such thing as a "winning" side in any fight between two people who love one another, anymore than one seat proved itself better than another on the deck of the Titanic.

Any couple that has been in a committed relationship knows that disagreements are bound to happen. Sometimes, small disagreements escalate into big fights. When both parties reach an impasse or exhaust themselves with holding on to their position, a cold war can ensue. Generally, at some point, one party or the other would like to attempt an effort to make amends, but approaching an angry or wounded mate is hard to do.

Over the years I have spoken to dozens of couples who have confided to me that though they felt awkward, uncomfortable and downright uncertain as to how to get the, "I want to make up with you" ball rolling, they were eager to find appropriate ways to do so.

How often do you see people in your extended family or community who believe their family gets along just fine and doesn't have any problems? However, upon further inspection, you find that screaming, yelling, name-calling and physical aggressiveness is almost the norm. There almost seems to be a denial that there is a deeper issue, and because of this, the conflict continues and people believe that destructive behaviors are acceptable. Whether it is sibling rivalries, parents behaving badly, physically or verbally abusive behaviors and/or conflicts between extended family members, these patterns of conflicts often endure from generation to generation. What are the factors that start these conflicts and continue them across time?

You and your partner went to a holiday party and your spouse made a joke about you to one of the guests, which made you mad, and now you’re in a fight. There is only silence on your drive home from the party, but upon your return home, the fight erupts into an all out battle, with every other hurt that’s ever happened in your relationship thrown at the other like lightning.

Or, it’s Christmas Eve and you and your spouse start arguing about how to wrap the gifts. You think he’s careless and he thinks you’re too picky. This starts the argument cycle where he feels criticized by you, and you feel like your opinion is not important.