Tag: wants

Congratulations! You've finally realized you're not life's doormat, and you're ready to stand up for yourself. That's great! Only you find yourself caught in a dilemma: either you state your needs in such a way that your spouse doesn’t pay attention to you, or you come off like a raging bull and your spouse pays attention to you, but it ends up in fights or tears.

Neither approach is satisfactory. What to do? Simple: Ready, aim and fire.

What does that mean?

"You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need…"

That Rolling Stones refrain is playing in my head repeatedly of late and it seems clear that this is as true a love song as I have ever known. Although I would never have thought it in my earlier years, what I know of love is that it is actually rarely about what you want. Growing up and cultivating a sustainable love with your spouse is mostly about learning how to accept what you get, turn it into what you want or at least embrace it as what you need.

First, you must first evolve your thinking. Our thoughts are the blueprint for your life and control your relationship in many ways you may not recognize. Be confident that your partner knows what you are thinking, even when you don’t say it. We often take ourselves and our relationships for granted, or conversely, take it all too seriously. Our negative thoughts unwittingly hold our relationships hostage, giving a lot of power to our unspoken doubts.

So, what is the one thing you absolutely must have for a healthy and loving relationship? It's the same for all of us. Yes, and it will never change.

Self-love. We need to love ourselves 100 percent. Period. Self-respect, self-acceptance and self-understanding follow closely behind, but loving yourself as you are—completely, is where it all begins… and ends.

Here's the dealio. You get your vibrational match. Self-worth is the missing component in abusive and unhealthy relationships. Lowering your standards, mistrust; excusing, rationalizing or justifying toxic or disrespectful behavior; not saying what you feel and need to say… I could go on and on.

Have you ever been frustrated when your husband didn’t clean the kitchen the way you would have, or when your wife put your tools away in the wrong drawers so you couldn’t find them? Perhaps you even shake your head thinking that your spouse just doesn’t "get it" sometimes? This can be a natural conclusion since men and women generally think differently—a man might not see the socks on the floor on his way back to the garage to finish an important project just as a woman may not finish her project right away because she notices the socks on the floor and then the dishes in the sink.