Valentine’s Day. Besides being the second largest occasion to give greeting cards, it is a time when florists and restaurants are running themselves ragged.
So I got to thinking. Could Valentine’s Day be a metaphor for the average married couples sex life? That is, come Valentine’s Day there arrives a lovely card, maybe flowers, maybe a box of candies—if it is an extra special occasion, a pleasant meal. Like many couples, the celebration is nice and routine with no shocking surprises.
If you want your Valentine’s Day to sizzle with your partner, consider this: Do not do the same boring Valentine’s Day shtick. Although generous and kind in its intentions, it will receive a smile and a chaste kiss on the cheek. That ladies and gentlemen is not sizzle.
In its place this February 14, think outside the heart-shaped Valentine’s box and create a Valentine’s makeover. Think about it. Valentine’s Day is the perfect excuse to do something new, something naughty and hopefully something very nice with your special someone.
With TV makeover shows, the whole point is to take a person out of their style rut. First, the show puts a spotlight on a specific area in a person’s life that needs improvement; it then proceeds to update the person’s twenty-year-old hairstyle or wardrobe.
In the spirit of makeovers, what could you do to bring you and your spouse out of a sexual rut?
Fix Your Sexual Rut
It is common with makeover shows to feature a stressed-out working mom that has not had two minutes to herself in ten years. Suddenly, she is pampered and fussed over and the long-forgotten woman inside is able to come out and play.
Please stop immediately if your first reaction is, “A makeover for me is nice to think about but in my reality it’s a pipe dream.” Listen carefully, that is the rut talking. Instead of feeling selfish about spending precious time and money on you, think about how much not feeling sexy is costing your relationship—especially in the long run. The small investment in a new sexy you could produce huge romantic dividends.
If you are feeling sexy enough, let us look at your relationship. Be honest, what is your sexual rut? Every relationship goes through ebbs and flows. If the ebbs are not managed well, the frustration can turn into a sexual rut.
A few common ruts couples find themselves in are: lack of fun because of too much mundane routine; lack of time together because of too many commitments; and communication gone wrong because, for most people, talking about sex is simply too awkward.
Why not start with injecting some fun into your maze of the never-ending dull routine. Boredom builds up so slowly we hardly notice our growing apathy. What could you do this month to bring laughter, joy and a sense of togetherness between you two?
Or could your Valentine’s makeover be pledging a no-exceptions allegiance to one another to create alone time once per month. Many couples simply need to put aside the job, kids and other worldly distractions and make time for a much-needed reconnection.
Finally, a challenging yet infinitely satisfying makeover you can take on is getting out of a communication rut.
Fix the Communication Rut
Let us pretend you and your partner have a fight around a sexual issue and instead of dealing with it, you choose to ignore it—given your crazy schedule who can blame you? Conversely, you bring up the issue, fight about it and come to no resolution; it is then you proceed to ignore it.
The minor unresolved incident turns into a huge unspoken issue filled with resentment, guilt, anger and frustration. By doing nothing about it, that powerless feeling grows a chasm between you and your partner.
Needless to say, the chasm does not lend itself well to two people coming together to be open, vulnerable, communicative and well, romantic with each other. If this type of Valentine’s makeover is for you, I recommend starting with the small battles; something you and your partner can most easily find resolution around. Feel the satisfaction of working together and becoming closer because of it.
So this February 14, instead of the usual flowers and candy, give you and your partner a shove out of a tired sexual rut. Explore, make mistakes together and start creating a brand new rejuvenated couple. For heaven’s sake, do not spend another Valentine’s Day doing the same old, same old, all the while ignoring the things that could rightly bring romance back into your relationship.
Dr. Trina Read has a doctorate in human sexuality. Dr. Read is also an international speaker and offers free sex tips on her website www.bestsextipsever.com.
Steve Cooper is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of Hitched. You can follow him on Twitter at @hitchedmedia.
