Dispute

The evening was going great until Katherine said to Dan, "I know we have plans for Friday night, just the two of us, but would you mind if we included our neighbors for dinner? I ran into Jan today, and it was good to see her, so she and I thought it would be a great idea to make it a foursome."

Dan’s first response was, "So you changed our plans without asking me? You know how I hate it when you do that. I don’t understand why you’ve put me in this position again when you know how I feel."

It was Sophia’s birthday and even though she had asked her husband, James, not to plan a weekend with his kids on her birthday, he did. His reason? His ex-wife had made plans months ahead for that same weekend, and James didn’t want his kids to be with a babysitter. He figured he and Sophia could celebrate her birthday on a different date.

Sophia, once again, felt unimportant and last on his list of priorities. As you can imagine, this recurring issue caused a major argument between the two of them.

Having an argument with your sweetie can ruin your day—or even your week. Wouldn’t you love to learn the art of disagreeing without hurting each other? You can become a master in managing conflict within your marriage by following a few basic steps with dedication. Occasional quarrels are a natural and healthy part of relationships. Differing opinions are not problematic when managed in a positive, respectful manner. A multitude of conscious and unconscious factors play into each couple’s unique conflict management patterns. While good, clean fighting habits can keep lines of communication clear and open, destructive fighting patterns can truly wreak havoc on a relationship over time. When we don’t strive to become more aware and mindful of our habits and patterns, our unconscious behaviors tend to take over and rule our lives.

"When in doubt who will win, be neutral." ~Swiss Proverb

  One of my husband’s most reliable responses to my often high level of emotionality is, "Can you just be neutral?"

He is a psychiatrist, so he has a lot more practice at finding a neutral objective view.  Yet, even before we each chose our respective professions, he would often find his way back to center with more ease than I. Over the years, as I have learned to lean towards this middle space of witnessing reality without the storm of emotions that literally cloud my view, I have witnessed how my marriage has grown up to not only withstand conflicts, but has given each of us the room to really listen to opposing points of view.

A husband gets angry and yells: his wife cowers. A wife gets angry and yells: her husband leaves.

These are common outcomes when a spouse flies off the handle, especially when the anger is a one-sided outburst, having nothing to do with a fight. It doesn’t matter which spouse is expressing their upset with anger, anger frightens the other.

Dealing with anger is a challenge! It is inevitable in a relationship as close and intimate as a marriage, for in marriage we tend to let our hair down, to be less inhibited than we would be with say, a co-worker or out in public.

Anne’s husband, for example, was fundamentally a good man. He was basically honest, reliable, trustworthy, responsive, responsible, appreciative of other people, and caring. He had none of the hallmarks of an abusive individual.