Dispute

"You’re driving me crazy with the mess you made in the kitchen!" screams Brandon.

Angrily, Nicole responds, "I can never please you. You’re just a neat freak, and it’s not that messy anyway!" And so on it goes.

This scenario is all too common with couples, and there’s just no good outcome unless you have learned good negotiating skills. What does that mean? It’s the ability for each partner, even with diametrically opposing positions, to discuss their points of view and just state the facts, without any emotional charge. Any topic should be okay to talk about, even if you disagree. But the kicker is how you present your feelings so that your partner can hear you and not get defensive.

There are surprises you can spring on your spouse, but "Honey I want a divorce" is not the kind of surprise anyone wants. Marie and Hunter had been married for 12 years. They had two boys, ages 7 and 10, who seemed relatively comfortable with their lives. They had good friends and families who were close. Their marriage didn’t seem too different from those of their friends. Marie tended to the children and had a part time job.

Although they struggled financially at the outset, they were finally comfortable; Hunter’s skills in computer science had paid off nicely.

There you are, flat on your back under the kitchen sink, trying valiantly to repair the plumbing as it drips cold water all over your face and you cry out to your spouse, "Would you hand me the wrench please?"

Your beloved nonchalantly ambles over, munching on a chip and asks, "What wrench?"

"The wrench," you say, exasperated, "The only wrench we have!"

"Oh, that wrench," your spouse says. "I lent it to your brother a couple of weeks ago."

Months before they married, Kyle told Hilary he wanted to dance with her at their wedding. Hilary agreed, and they signed up for dancing lessons. But when the wedding day arrived, the train on Hilary’s dress made it too awkward for them to dance together. Kyle was terribly disappointed. To make matters worse, though he had clearly told Hilary that he didn’t want her to stuff cake in his mouth, she went ahead and did it anyway. When his face burned red with embarrassment, as he’d told her it would, she laughed at him.

"Don’t take it so seriously!" she said. "It’s just a little frosting on your face. Everybody does it."

Does your spouse take credit for your ideas? Or do people compliment your spouse for tasks or projects that you did? Do you get the credit where credit is due?

For example, Jill maintains a beautiful garden and takes a lot of pride in it. One day, a neighbor comes to visit the couple and comments to Jill’s husband, Joe, that they’ve got a lovely garden and that it must take a lot of work to maintain it. Joe promptly responds with a hearty, "Thank you!