Dispute

The holidays can be stressful. Do you and your mate find yourselves involved in more arguments than usual during the holiday season? Do you encounter acquaintances and family members who have the uncanny ability to push your buttons and get in your face, even though you set out to steer clear of holiday strife? This year, you can survive the holidays—and even better—enjoy them! As a lawyer and couples mediator, I have observed the same dumb arguments that ruin relationships during the holidays, and year-round. Here are five smart comments you can rely on time and again to short-circuit an argument.

It is not always possible to pause with yourself before engaging in conflict with your partner. However, if you can create the pause, it will serve you greatly to do your own inner work before entering into the dialogue with your partner. Often when we just jump into the fight, we hope for something that we don’t get. This is usually because when fighting happens without forethought, either one (or both) people are triggered into their primal brains.

An elevator security camera captures Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice delivering a punch seen around the world. Carolina Panthers player Greg Hardy is convicted of assaulting and threatening to kill his then-girlfriend. Arizona Cardinals running back Jonathan Dwyer is accused of breaking his wife’s nose with a head-butt. And the list goes on and on.

It’s tempting to write off the recent flurry of domestic abuse allegations against NFL players as a phenomenon unique to the violent world of football. But the truth is, these cases came to the public’s attention simply because of the high profiles of those involved; they could just as easily have featured a businessman, an electrician or a teacher.

Do you find that you and your spouse have radically opposing views regarding crucial issues, such as child raising, money, politics, or family values that are causing major friction in the relationship? Whatever the opposition, what do you do when your views or opinions are so diametrically different than your spouse’s that they’re affecting the health of your marriage? Is it possible to reach a middle ground and still stay happily married?

It depends on five issues:

My husband feels that he has a right to go away about once a month with "the boys." It makes me feel uncomfortable. I know most of his friends well and could only imagine what some of them are like when they are away from their wives. I’m aware that they are drinking and playing cards most of the night, but who knows what else is going on. Do I have a right to be upset about this? ~ Sara G., San Diego, California

It is important for each partner in a relationship to have a healthy sense of individuality. This means that most couples truly benefit from maintaining at least a few separate interests outside of work, home, and shared marriage or family activities.