Dispute

You’re having an absolutely lousy day. Work was awful, your car is making that squeaky noise again and you’re pretty sure you’re coming down with a cold. Your spouse is being entirely unreasonable, expecting you to get dinner together for the boss and his wife with no more than an hour’s notice. You can’t greet your newly invited guests when they arrive because—no big surprise—you’re hopping around with one shoe on frantically looking for the other one trying to get dressed. For this, the love-of-your-life bawls you out—surreptitiously of course, under the guise of "helping you" once you’re back in the kitchen.

When you try—biting your tongue very hard so as not to scream—to gently point out that you were moving as fast as you can, instead of the, "Oh, honey, so sorry I sprang this on you last-minute, you’re the best wife on earth to pull it off" you feel you deserve, you get a sarcastic "Yeah, right.

When a couple is in a disagreement and one person becomes so angry and it becomes rage, how are you supposed to handle it? Do you walk away and let them calm down? Do you try to calm them down at that moment? I love my husband, but when we don't agree sometimes his anger turns to rage and it’s very scary! Please, help me to understand.

There is a significant difference between anger and rage. Anger can be viewed as a scale that ranges from minor irritation to intense rage. It can be very scary indeed when the scale tips toward rage. Most of us don’t have any idea what to do when someone we love becomes that angry. Do we leave them alone until they calm down? Will that enrage them more? Do you get angry back? Will that enrage them more? Can you even reason with someone who is that mad?

If you’ve ever had a nasty, screaming argument with your spouse, you know you don’t want to go there again. In such situations, no one wins. The problem is, when faced with tense times and difficult problems to handle, our tendency—especially for us guys—is to resort to caveman like behavior.

Fortunately, there are many things you can do. If you follow a few simple rules and methods, you can avoid most—if not all—arguments with your spouse. When you learn to work through your difficult times without resorting to yelling and insults, you’ll find there will be a deeper love to share between you and your husband or wife.

My husband smothers me and I've tried telling him, and well, it doesn't work. I mean, he walks to the bathroom with me. If I get up off the couch he wants to know where I am going. If he takes the trash to the dump he won't go unless I ride with him. Even if I am cooking, cleaning or whatever, he insists I ride with him. I am feeling choked. Any advice?

Any healthy relationship needs to strike a comfortable balance between autonomy and connection for both partners, and it sounds like your husband isn’t giving you the space you need to achieve this.

How can I listen to my wife if she talks in circles? When I do finally get her to talk she says, ‘It doesn't matter because you're not going to listen to me anyways’. What can I do?

Some of us bolt out the door as soon as we sniff the onset of marital strife. Others get caught in a loop of purposeless repetitive fighting. Conflict shakes up our sense of balance and belonging. After all, we are looking for smiles and applause, not criticism and confrontation.