Dispute

More often than not, flash-fire arguments are a result of long-standing conflicts that are not being addressed and are excuses to dance around deep, core issues. Assigning blame for starting these arguments misses the issue. A couple must learn how to see through arguments to the person behind them.

For instance, let’s say that one person in a relationship is mad that the other is doing something that reflects a deep and entrenched part of their personality. Let’s say that this person is worried and concerned that a partner never opens up about personal feelings

My husband always makes me think I am stupid. He has broken my self-confidence and my self-respect. He fights with me in front of his parents and makes me feel like a total idiot. He says that he loves me more than anything, so why is he doing all this to me? I am looking for away out of our marriage but he won't let me. What should I do?

I’m really glad that you wrote in about this matter. You are smart to realize that it is a situation that needs attention and by my addressing it with you, I will hopefully be helping many other women in the same scenario.

Help, my husband is a pothead! We started out together, but I gave it up a while back and he continued. People say, "It’s only pot," and I know it’s not that bad, but I don’t smoke it anymore and I see how unmotivated and lethargic he gets. He says he’ll stop, but he hasn’t. I don’t want to be a nag but it’s starting to get to me. Let me know what I can do.

Being a "child of the '60's," I can certainly appreciate the comment, "It’s only pot." But there’s really much more to this issue before one can easily dismiss it.

Three years ago, my husband of 18 years met a woman who walks the same four-mile course as he does, every morning. She's married to my agency manager and everybody sees them walking together on Main Street, which has resulted in some embarrassing comments from friends, relatives and strangers! My husband insists he wants to keep walking with her because she has now become his 'friend' and he insists it's harmless and tells me to ignore the gossip. However, if it's so meaningless why does he get so angry and defensive when I ask him to 'cool it' so the gossip will stop?

Ever since the movie, "When Harry Met Sally," no one believes it is possible for a man and a woman to be friends. And, it’s human nature to talk about each other. How very uncomfortable for you.

My husband likes to vacation by himself or with his friends. He makes it very clear that he does not want me to tag along. This really hurts my feelings and I feel very insecure and he knows it. I feel that he has something to hide. How do I cope with this? I feel like I am waiting for something to happen so that we can divorce.

In today’s society, traditional ways of doing things is no longer the case. Not only are there lots of variations of what is called the family unit, but the styles in which couples practice their relationship varies quite a bit also. The issue you raise is definitely one of those non-traditional styles of vacationing.

My wife is constantly trying to "change" me. I thought it was over during the end of our college days, but every month it’s something new. Some things I can get with, but others I just need to have. How do I regain the space I want and get "me" back for a day or two.

I truly believe that one of the main reasons the divorce rate is so high is because couples go into their marriages with the wrong expectations. Perhaps one of the biggest errors is thinking your partner will change or you will change your partner. There’s a favorite expression that I teach: "What you see is what you get, the only thing that changes is that you get more of it." I’m sorry to say this, but in your case, neither you nor your wife realized this to be the case.