There are many different types of bedtime hassles you and your spouse may experience when trying to get your kids to bed. Many parents have children who go to bed, but have problems falling asleep and staying in bed, for example. To correct these bedtime issues, you and/or your spouse’s response must address and resolve the core issue causing the misbehavior. If all you do is try to stop the behavior without resolving the core issue, you won’t get the results you desire.
Here are some tips to overcome two common issues that will turn your kid’s war room into the place of calm and sleep.
Your Child Is Scared
Children’s fears are real to them so avoid belittling the child or denying the emotion. Instead, acknowledge the child’s fear without agreeing that what they are afraid of is real. For example, say, “It must be scary to think there’s a monster under your bed” instead of, “You’re scared of the monster under the bed.”
Brainstorm ways the child can overcome the fear. Empower your children to be their own heroes instead of putting on your cape and rescuing them. Use their imagination to conquer their imaginary fears. Here are a few ideas:
* They can make magic spray and use it themselves.
* Tell them since it’s their room, all monsters must get their permission to come in. Have them practice telling the monster to get out in an assertive forceful voice.
* Tell them they can control the size of the monster. They can point at the monster and as they move their finger down the monster will get smaller. They can do this until it is so small they can stamp it out or kick it like a ball.
With a child of three years old or older, you and your spouse can explain that fears always start with a thought and can be controlled by choosing a different thought. Help them create an imaginary safe place or protector to recall when they are scared. Guide them through this calming visualization the first few times, then encourage them to do this for themselves when they are scared.
If they fear something that actually happened that was traumatic, explain what steps you’ve taken to assure it won’t happen again. Teach the child EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) to de-program the post-traumatic reaction that haunts them. See http://snipurl.com/EFT_emofree.
Your Child Keeps Coming Out of Their Room
Prevent this problem by having bedtime routines that give positive parental attention; then your child must stay in their rooms even if they aren’t asleep. Use a systematic check-in routine—check on them every two minutes. If they aren’t crying or haven’t come out after two minutes, then increase the time and check on them every five minutes. When they handle five minutes, increase to every 10 minutes and so on. Only increase the time when your child can handle the current length of time.
You and your spouse can also give your child three objects. They must give you one object each time they come out. The first time, take the object, deal with the issue and return them to bed. The second time, do the same with a reminder that they only have one more object, so they need to choose wisely whether they really need to come out of their room. The third time, do the same with a reminder that they have no more objects, so you will ignore any further requests from them.
If they come out, ignore them; they are invisible. Just go back to their room at the regular check-in time, even if they aren’t in the room. They’ll follow you! Once in the room, you can notice them, put them back to bed in a matter-of-fact way, and tell them when you’ll check on them next.
If the plan doesn’t work the first night, you and your spouse can tell your child that however late they finally go to bed and fall asleep is how much earlier they will start bedtime the next night. For example, if they didn’t stop coming out of their room until an hour after their scheduled bedtime, the next night you would start the bedtime routine an hour earlier, repeating the plan consistently.
Chances are, your child will test you and your spouse’s commitment to the plan, especially when it comes to staying in their room. Simply lay the groundwork, follow the step-by-step plan and consistently follow through in a loving, matter-of-fact, self-controlled way. It won’t be easy, but if you do, it will break your child’s bad habits, as well as you and your spouse’s, and will empower your child with the skills they need to manage their own bedtime and sleep patterns.
Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE
Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE is a second-generation parent educator and president of Parent's Toolshop Consulting. She is the author of 100+ resources for parents and family service professionals, including her award-winning book, The Parent's Toolshop, at www.ParentsToolshop.com. Since 1980, Jody has trained parents and professionals through her dynamic presentations and served as internationally recognized parenting expert to the media worldwide. Get practical parenting resources, including more information about this topic at: http://www.parentstoolshop.com/tele/telearchive.htm.
