The holidays are here and they’re filled with family fun and joy. However they can also be a time of too much togetherness with the in-laws. This is not to say that you don’t want to be with your family for the holidays, but what about your spouse’s family?
It’s the most wonderful time of the year, except when:
*You find yourself hiding the Christmas tree in the closet upon the arrival of very orthodox in-laws.
*In-laws buy giant toys for the children. Of course the children are thrilled with the life-size panda and the riding dump truck. No matter how many times the in-laws are told, they don’t get it. (Ponies don’t fit in a two-bedroom apartment!)
*The in-laws insist on staying at your house on Christmas Eve—in the master bedroom, of course.
*Through the baby monitor left on in the kitchen, Mother-in-law, busy making her famous Christmas cake, hears you ask your husband, “When are your parents going home? If your mother tells me one more time how successful your brother is, I’m going to say something I’ll be sorry for!”
After all, the marriage vows were not “In sickness and in health, through Uncle Ned’s games of pinch-the-bottom, and Aunt Nelda’s inebriated comments on everything from the living room rug to Uncle Bud’s not-so-subtle rug.” What you must keep in mind is that, for better or for worse, the family that you didn’t really choose came with choosing your loving partner. Even if your spouse didn’t inherit his father’s love of showing off his Navy tattoos (on his thigh!) at the dinner table, where do you think all that DNA came from?
The real holiday gift is that you probably only see the in-laws once or twice a year. While the visits are brief, the stinging barbs stay with you all year, and this season might be the time you decide to finally address your in-laws’ annoying behaviors.
Acknowledge the Problem
If you closely examine the situations that bug you most during the holidays, you will find that the same problems come up year after year. This year give yourself the gift of tackling at least one issue. While I am not suggesting you literally tackle Pops as he takes off his soggy coat and muddy boots and dumps them in your clean foyer (tempting as that image may be), tackling the problem is indeed what is required.
I suggest you start by making a Problem List. Keep in mind this document is just for you, not something to hang on the fridge next to the grocery list. At first, I would not even show your spouse the list. Pick one problem that doesn’t have too much of a charge behind it—the old adages about avoiding topics involving finances, politics and religion exist for a reason. The next step, and the most vital one to successfully solving the problem is to talk with your spouse about the one selected item.
For example, suppose the one issue you’d like to tackle is that your mother-in-law constantly insults your ethnic heritage, always in a “joking” manner that is hard to respond to directly without sounding like a witch. Because most parents want to spend time with their children and grandchildren during the holidays, it will go a long way if your spouse says to his mom, “I would like to spend more time with you, but it makes it difficult when you and my partner don’t get along. Your ethnic comments hurt her feelings as well as mine.”
Fix the Problem
Often just pointing out the obnoxious behavior can curb it, and you would be surprised how when approached with the possibility of potential disconnection, an in-law can change a behavior. As one father-in-law put it, “I just didn’t realize how much my daughter-in-law hated my teasing her about her weight. I wish I had known years ago.” If you have children, your spouse may want to remind his or her parents that regardless of how they feel about you, your children love you and ill-treating their parent will only create a permanent chasm between the in-laws and the beloved grandchildren.
A little-acknowledged factor is that the biological child most often holds the power to settle in-law feuds. If you are having trouble with your in-laws’ expectations of you or your family, your spouse is the one best positioned to resolve the dilemma. Do make sure that your spouse is not part of the problem. An untold number of in-law issues branch from the spouse confiding in mom or dad about marital spats. The in-laws then erroneously believe that to be loyal to their darling child they must make the spouse the enemy. Marital problems should be resolved within the marriage, and if you as a couple need outside counseling, go to a counselor, not to one’s birth family.
Just a reminder: start your Problem List early. Don’t make this another New Year’s resolution or wait until the day before Christmas to anticipate your drunken brother-in-law making a pass at you. Well in advance of their arrival, discuss your expectations with your spouse and reach an agreement as to how he or she will address the issue with the parents-in-law.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly, light the menorah and have a great holiday—and remember that it is never too late to start a new holiday tradition of respect and kindness. How you treat your in-laws this year will set a precedent for how you are treated in the holidays to come. And who knows? Maybe next year their visit will even be fun!
Dr. Gloria Horsley
Dr. Gloria Horsley is the author of the "In-Law Survival Manual: Cultivating Healthy In-Law Relationships," John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 1997; "Teen Grief Relief: Parenting with Understanding Support and Guidance," Rainbow Books, July 2007. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (California) and hosts the syndicated internet radio show, "Healing the Grieving Heart," heard weekly on www.health.voiceamerica.com and archived on her blog, www.thegriefblog.com.
