Chances are, you and your spouse talked before you were married about having children. You probably discussed parenting in general and even watched each other interacting with children. Now that you are parents and the realities of daily life with a young child are sinking in, you might be seeing differences you don’t like. When you try to discuss it, you might not agree on the best way to handle a situation. The stress is not only affecting you and your marriage, but your young child is picking up on it, too.
Sound familiar? If so, you aren’t alone. The top five things most couples argue about are money, sex, religion, parenting, and in-laws.
If your spouse’s parenting style is quite different from yours, you can fall into an overcompensation cycle. One partner thinks the other is too strict, so he or she becomes more lenient. As this partner becomes more lenient, the other gets stricter. Each tries to compensate for the imbalances of the other and they seesaw back and forth.
Instead of balancing each other out, overcompensation cycles drive spouses apart, confuse children and teach them how to play you against each other. Most parents try to be consistent, but realize there are limitations. It’s not humanly possible for two people to always be totally consistent. So make a parenting plan you both agree to follow consistently and allow each other to carry out the plan with your own unique style.
To devise a plan:
1. Talk to your spouse. Explain that you want to work cooperatively.
2. Identify your parenting goals. You’ll probably find that you agree about the goals, but not always about the best ways to reach them.
3. Find good information. If you aren’t sure about the best solution, seek accurate information from a qualified source that is based on what long-term research shows is most effective.
4. Be students. Learn these new skills together so you can work towards your common goals with a proven plan.
If you can’t agree or work cooperatively, here are a few options:
1. Agree not to sabotage each other. Even when your spouse is imperfect, agree to either back up the partner or, at the least, not interfere. The parent who makes a decision is the one who has to follow through with it and experience any consequences of that decision. Part of this agreement is that if one parent makes a poor decision, the other parent agrees not to say “I told you so.”
2. If your spouse’s style is not abusive or does not grossly violate the child’s rights, you can back off and not interfere. Acknowledge the child’s hurt feelings without taking sides or criticizing the other parent. For example, “I know it scared you to be yelled at. What can you do to calm down?” Or, “what could you do to work this out with your dad (or mom)?”
3. Agree to disagree respectfully. It’s okay to disagree in front of the children if you do so respectfully and resolve problems fairly. It models healthy conflict-resolution skills for children.
4. If you choose to intervene, back up your spouse skillfully. Figure out what your spouse is trying to accomplish then model effective skills while helping him or her accomplish that goal. For example, if your spouse is saying, “Quit grabbing stuff.” You can say, “Keep your hands in the cart” or “you can only put the items from the list in the cart.” If it works, the partner feels supported and might try using that skill, too.
Cooperative parenting partners calmly discuss their options as issues arise. They encourage and support each other, even when something doesn’t go well. They focus on what they learned and brainstorm ideas for more effective responses in the future. As your young child grows, so will you…as parents, partners and people, because many effective parenting skills are simply healthy relationship skills that will improve marriages, too.
Get more information from Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE, second-generation parent educator, president of Parent’s Toolshop Consulting, parenting expert to the media worldwide, and author of 100+ practical parenting resources, including the award-winning book, “The Parent’s Toolshop.” Find out more at www.parentstoolshop.com.
Steve Cooper is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of Hitched. You can follow him on Twitter at @hitchedmedia.
