Tag: adultery

You’ve done the deed and cheated on your spouse. Now in the aftermath you aren’t sure what to do. Some people feel telling a spouse about an affair is an absolute must. Others feel that under certain circumstances it is best to put the episode behind you and try to heal the marriage. Who is right? Or is there a right answer?

This question all started when my husband I and were listening an interviewee talking about why he felt cheating was healthy for a relationship. Both of us have had ex-partners who’ve cheated on us and my husband first said, "It’s just better not to tell." I was like, "WTF? Of course you have to tell. You’ve done the deed and you need to come clean."

I wasn’t aware that adultery had gone anywhere, so I was a bit taken aback when I saw that AMC’s hit show, Mad Men, was boldly making this assertion heading into their fifth season. A bit of clever marketing, but maybe it reflects our fascination with something that has become almost commonplace in our societies. Which actually begs the question; did adultery ever really "leave the building?" Is it really "back" or just portrayed as a lot more sexy and adventuresome? For as long as there has been marriage between imperfect people, there has been adultery. For as long as people have somehow felt drawn to committing to one person, the prospect of delving into unfamiliar territory with someone new has seemed challenging, interesting and even downright exciting. So what exactly is up? Is marriage and commitment demanding something of us that we’re really incapable of giving? Are we really wired for monogamy?

While adultery is a factor in many divorces, it is frequently not the primary cause. So why are divorcing spouses so quick to blame the divorce on the other spouse's affair? The quick answer is that it feels better to think of oneself as the victim of someone else's wrongdoing than to accept even partial blame. No one likes to admit being wrong, and facing the deeper problems in a marriage with self-awareness can be very painful.