While adultery is a factor in many divorces, it is frequently not the primary cause. So why are divorcing spouses so quick to blame the divorce on the other spouse’s affair? The quick answer is that it feels better to think of oneself as the victim of someone else’s wrongdoing than to accept even partial blame. No one likes to admit being wrong, and facing the deeper problems in a marriage with self-awareness can be very painful.
After years of experience practicing exclusively matrimonial and family law, I have noticed recurring themes in divorce cases—and adultery is not one of them. More than anything else, the issues that bring clients through our doors are problems of money and problems of communication.
Money is not always an easy topic to discuss. Many people feel deeply vulnerable when discussing their finances, seeing their self-worth as an extension of their net-worth and worrying about how they will be perceived. At the beginning of a marriage, new spouses may be hesitant to combine finances, or even to seriously discuss them, until things feel more “settled.” New spouses may believe that as they grow closer together the topic of money will become easier to discuss. Unfortunately, the truth is that the longer the discussion is pushed off, the more difficult it becomes and the more problems it can cause.
New York divorce law presumes (with few exceptions) that money earned during a marriage is “marital property” and money spent during the marriage is for “marital expenses.” It also presumes that caring for children and running a household is a quantifiable and valuable service which allows the other spouse to focus on a career. To communicate about money in a healthy way, both spouses need to internalize the idea that their marriage is also a financial partnership to which they both contribute and from which they both benefit.
When one spouse handles all of the finances and keeps the other in the dark, this can lead to resentment and suspicion. This compounds when it turns out that the spouse who is handling the finances actually is keeping assets and income separate and secret.
Not only is poor communication about finances a leading cause of divorce, it is also often the cause of expensive divorce. When spouses do not know or trust what the other spouse earns or owns, we as attorneys must pursue potentially extensive financial discovery to determine the truth—this could involve sending subpoenas to banks and other financial institutions, and conducting in depth depositions and detailed document review. All of this translates to high legal fees and a lengthy divorce process.
In order to circumvent these issues, there must be communication. Ultimately, communication is fundamental to a successful marriage. It is important to always communicate with your spouse—even if it is a difficult conversation to have.
Andriana Chryssikos, Esq.
Andriana Chryssikos, Esq. is a member of The Kleyman Law Firm, a divorce and family law firm in New York City handling complex, contested, and high conflict divorces. The Kleyman Law Firm is located at 45 Broadway, Suite 1500, New York, NY. For more info go to www.NYC-DivorceLawyer.com, email: 222247@email4pr.com or call 212-401-1977.
