Now more than ever, people are coming to my couple’s mediation office to help them save their financially wounded marriages. They aren’t asking me for a job, rather they want me to help them stop fighting about their lack of money, job loss and who is to blame for the absence of love and respect in their relationship. As a consequence of today’s recession, many cash-strapped couples are experiencing a marital meltdown. Even happy couples admit that the sudden economic downturn is testing their “I do” commitment.
Couples know that divorce is expensive and traumatic so they are desperate to avoid it. According to a 2006 wealth study using information from the U.S. Census Bureau, people who married and stayed married built up nearly twice the net worth of people who stayed single over a 15-year period.
The New Trend
With money tight and insurance coverage dwindling, the traditional route of costly long-term couples talk therapy can be difficult. Instead, a new and empowering trend in marriage is emerging, though most people don’t know about it yet. It is called couples mediation. This effective marriage-saving program delivers immediate low-cost relief. It focuses on replacing bad verbal habits with good ones, to quickly reinvigorate the respect, appreciation and intimacy in the marriage.
Here are five tips you might receive from mediation to save a financially wounded marriage. Each of these tips is meant to instill a higher value into your relationship:
1. Install a daily communication routine. Love is an asset, and it depreciates. Install a new communication routine to instantly boost the love connection. What you come to expect, you come to neglect, and that’s the silent killer in relationships. Turn the neglect around by sharing the priceless words “good morning” and “good night,” “hello” and “goodbye,” and “I love you because…,” with your spouse.
2. Partner-up: two minds are better than one. If you are unemployed, assume your spouse loves you and wants to help you, but doesn’t know how. Your spouse can be an asset to your job search. Show your mate respect and ask for his/her help before he/she starts giving you orders. Partner-up and have a conversation about how to budget, stretch the dollar, and advance your job search.
3. Avoid dumb emotional arguments: have “dollars and sense” conversations. If your mate accuses you of making financial decisions that are based on your emotions, you probably are. Replace emotions with facts and you will short-circuit many arguments. For example, if you want to visit your family in another state get the cost of transportation etc., then discuss the options. Avoid abstract words like “whatever,” “about,” “maybe,” and “probably.”
4. Include daily 30-second love plays: Spark intimacy with kind acts and words. Use some kind of follow-up love play to show you care, especially when financial issues have taken center stage in your life. Call, text or email your spouse to ask about an event, a meeting or appointment he/she had that day. Giving your mate a little attention works wonders. Then, use a “pitch-in love play.” Volunteer to do something before you’re asked to do it. Find a chore, task or responsibility your spouse usually does and do it for him/her.
5. Protect your union: keep it confidential. Have a conversation with your spouse about what is personal information and should remain private (your bank account, house foreclosure) and what is public. Avoid major battles by agreeing not to “overshare” private information with others.
Use any or all of these tips and you will see an immediate difference because every person wants to be loved, respected and appreciated.
Laurie Puhn
Ms. Puhn has a B.A. and law degree from Harvard. She has private practice in couples mediation in New York City. She regularly appears on The Early Show, Good Morning America, Fox News and CNN to offer relationship communication commentary and advice. She is the bestselling author of "Fight Less, Love More: 5 Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In" and lives in New York with her husband and two children. Visit www.fightlesslovemore.com for more information.
