Tag: Dr. Noelle Nelson

The alarm rings.

You get up, you brush your teeth, you take a shower, you hug your spouse, you pack the kids/dog/cleaning in the car, you drop them off, you go to work, you do your job, you get in the car, you pick up the kids/dog/cleaning, you make dinner, you clean up, you go to bed, you kiss your spouse good night, you sleep, the alarm rings, you get up, you brush your teeth, you take your shower, you hug your spouse, you pack the kids/dog/cleaning in the car... and so it goes.

Self-blame and guilt make terrible bedfellows, yet there are insidious ways we let these varmints into our marriages, to our own detriment. For instance, have you ever been involved in the following scenario?

Your spouse texts, "Terrible day. Traffic horrible. Boss worse."

You respond, "So sorry!"

Your beloved continues the litany when he or she gets home, "Nothing seems to go right, I don't know what to do."

A coach sits on the sidelines, calling out directions and instructions to his team as they run the ball all over the field:

"Don't do that, don't throw long, you dummies… ah, how could you do that! That's so stupid, don't run without looking where you're going! Don't you know anything, you don't make up your own rules as you go along, don't keep making the same mistake over and over."

Stuff happens.

Your spouse had an affair, but you decided to work it out together. One of you was merged out of your job, and the family budget is drastically reduced. You’ve come down with some auto-immune disorder that requires "rest, rest, rest!" leaving all the chores and more up to your already over-burdened spouse. Stuff happens.

All too often, it feels like life as it was is over. You feel like you’ll never trust your unfaithful spouse as you used to.

There you are sitting in a rowdy bar on a Friday afternoon after work not because you particularly want to, but because, "Hey, it's Happy Hour, everybody goes."

Or you always go along with whatever sport or hobby your spouse wants to take up—even when you're not all that interested—because you’re afraid he or she’d be put off if you didn't. However, you have this vague sense of constant discomfort. It’s nothing you can really put your finger on, just this funny feeling that makes you want to ask, "Is this all there is to it? Is this all that life is about?"

Once upon a time two little boys were walking through a field. Suddenly one of them stumbled and fell into a pile of horse manure and the other, who was right behind his friend, fell into it too. The first little boy got up, disgusted, brushed his clothes off moaning and grousing and loudly proclaimed his unhappiness. The second boy got up and started running wildly around the field.

"What is wrong with you?" the first boy asked, "You crazy or something? What are you running around like that for?"

You and your spouse wait for your mom to finish getting ready so you can go to lunch together. As you do, your other half absentmindedly straightens pictures on the wall, lines up magazines on the coffee table and puts the coasters back in a neat stack. You stand it as long as you can before you blurt out, "Honey, you don’t have to be a perfectionist in other people’s houses! Please, can't you just leave things alone?" Caught and embarrassed, your husband laughs a little. Your mom appears and off the three of you go.

Waiting for the cashier on the way out, you notice your husband straightening the cards on the cashier's counter and replacing a menu stuck out of order. You want to scream.