Stuff happens.
Your spouse had an affair, but you decided to work it out together. One of you was merged out of your job, and the family budget is drastically reduced. You’ve come down with some auto-immune disorder that requires “rest, rest, rest!” leaving all the chores and more up to your already over-burdened spouse. Stuff happens.
All too often, it feels like life as it was is over. You feel like you’ll never trust your unfaithful spouse as you used to. It’s impossible to find as good a job as the old one in this economy. You’ll never get your energy and health back to where it was before.
And yet, for every ending, there is a beginning. For all that you are in pain over the infidelity of your spouse, that is the past. Yes, one of you is jobless, and that is scary. Your present ill-health is worrisome, as well as a drag for your spouse. But whatever was before these present conditions, has ended. What is, is.
There is nothing more powerful than really getting that “What is, is.” It’s a new platform from which you can have powerful beginnings. The truth is, you change with every minute that passes. If you choose to, you can learn from everything that happens to you. You have now the benefit of the experience of your situation. You can look at what happened and learn from it.
Your marriage can be stronger from what you learn about each other, as a consequence of the affair. Affairs are rarely just about sex! And even if they are, there’s still an important lesson for the both you in why it happened. You are richer by far from your experience, as you are willing to learn from it and incorporate what you learn. But you can’t do that if you keep going back to blaming, feeling guilty or the other emotions that crop up when people dwell on what happened, instead of accepting “What is, is,” and seeking that new beginning.
Even as you downsize your living situation to accommodate your new “one-job couple” existence, let that be the end of the old. As soon as you can, turn your attentions to the new. Let this be an opportunity to review the jobless spouse’s new options: “Was this old job really what I wanted to be doing with my life? What new possibilities, what new potential would I like to explore?”
The same with your health: What is, is. You have the disorder, accept it, and move forward into exploring ways of healing yourself, reach out to friends, family, support of all kinds to help your spouse take on his or her additional burdens, as well as your own.
What is, is. Gnash your teeth, weep your tears, grieve what was, and then turn resolutely toward the new. For in the new you’ll find new joys, new successes, and new reasons to love life.
Dr. Noelle Nelson
Through her years as a psychologist, author and seminar leader, Dr. Noelle Nelson has empowered countless individuals to be happier, healthier and more successful at work, at home and in relationships.
Dr. Nelson shares her proactive and positive outlook in all her books, articles, interviews, seminars and consulting practice. Her books include Dangerous Relationships: How to Identify and Respond to the Seven Warning Signs of a Troubled Relationship(Amazon), which established her as a relationship expert. Her latest book, Phoenix Rising - Surviving Catastrophic Loss: Fires, Floods, Hurricanes and Tornadoes (Amazon), explores the trauma of losing a lifetime of possessions in a disaster, how to survive the immediate aftermath and how to find the strength to start anew.
Born in Manhattan to a French mother and an American dad, Dr. Nelson, at the ripe old age of six months, came to Southern California where she currently resides. Travel is a cherished pastime, which Dr. Nelson enjoys whenever her schedule permits. Other interests include voracious reading (mysteries and historical fiction are favorites) and ballroom dancing (she competes all around the country).
Dr. Nelson holds advanced degrees in clinical psychology from the United States International University (M.A., Ph.D.), and sociology degrees from the University of California at Los Angeles (B.A.) and the Sorbonne, Paris (Maitrise, Doctorat 3eme Cycle). She is a licensed clinical psychologist.
Listen to her twice-monthly podcast “Up! Uplifting, Inspiring, Practical” on Spotify, Google Podcasts and on YouTube. www.noellenelson.com, @drnoellenelson, https://www.facebook.com/MeetTheAmazings
