Tag: negative

Stuff happens.

Somebody keys your car when it's just sitting there in the supermarket parking lot; you set your briefcase down for a second to blow your nose and it gets stolen; or vandals have picked your house as target practice, and broken all your windows.

You yell out to the heavens, "What is going on? Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this?" You're angry, frustrated and hurt. You become paranoid, fearful and distrusting.

Inside all of us is a confusion of ideas and expectations that have been built up over the years through our experiences, books we’ve read, movies we’ve seen, opinions of people who seemed to be "in the know," and endless other sources.

Much of this "information" is distorted, irrelevant, or just plain wrong. Nevertheless, these are the ideas that precede us into any situation, coloring what we see, and making us compare and judge reality against the picture in our minds.

As Thanksgiving approaches, we are reminded of the importance of being thankful and grateful. However, in my clinical work as a psychologist and couples therapist, I hear examples every day of people who feel unappreciated and taken for granted by their spouse. Also, many people focus on what they do not have in their relationships versus what they do have. Why is it so hard for us to practice an attitude of gratitude and positivity—especially in our marriages? One reason may be that scientists have found that the brain has a negativity bias. We tend to have Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones, so we often dismiss the positive aspects of our marriages while vividly remembering the negative ones.

Would you describe yourself as critical, as in you can’t help but notice the flaws of your spouse? Your negative perceptions might be due to projection. Similarly, positive comments can be self-revealing. For example, you are kinder to your spouse, as well as others, when you are happy. In short, you tend to see in others traits similar to your own which are fueled by your mood. Since your spouse stands directly in the line of fire, you are virtually looking in a metaphorical mirror.

Most things that upset your equilibrium challenge your self worth in some way. Research conducted by Dustin Wood

Where has all the love gone that you once felt for your spouse? Do you seem to fight about everything? Have they become your enemy? How did it happen?

These are common questions I address time and time again in my private practice. The process of "building a case against our spouse" begins quietly and unconsciously, so we hardly notice what we’re doing. The emotional battle often begins after the honeymoon phase of a relationship and reality has set in. Suddenly the one who could do no wrong, can’t seem to do anything right. The one who used to make us happy is slowly becoming the enemy… someone to defend against and distrust. We’re certain they’re doing things just to annoy us and make us angry.

Have you heard the term "Social Media Obsession?" Essentially, SMO is defined as the quest to have the most friends and/or followers on sites like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, and the like.

Unfortunately, a lot of people (even those who don’t qualify as obsessed) are now tying their self-esteem to the ways in which their lovingly constructed posts and adorable selfies are responded to (or ignored). In other words, their self-worth waxes and wanes with the number of online "likes" they get.

What happens at your house at the end of each day? Do you and your wonderful spouse greet each other warmly, enjoy a nice meal with stimulating conversation and then fall passionately into bed together? Or do you spend your time together complaining about your workday, trading the latest gossip about the neighbors, watching back-biting competitors duke it out on reality television shows and then fall into bed feeling mentally drained and exhausted from another typical day?

One of the best ways you can spice up your relationship is to eliminate the negative drama that keeps you from being nice.