Tag: self

Why you should change yourself instead of your spouse?

Change is hard for a lot of people. When you look at your relationship, I am sure you can see a lot of things our spouse needs to change, but what about you? What do you need to change to have a healthier and more conscious relationship with your spouse?

One thing you may not realize is the only thing you have control over in a conversation is your 50 percent of it. What are you bringing to the discussion? How are you behaving or reacting to things? How are these things impacting the relationship with your spouse?

If you’ve been in any type of unhealthy relationship and successfully gotten out, at some point in your recovery, you are likely to experience feelings of reticence, caution, cynicism and even paranoia about others. This is particularly the case in regard to romantic partners. Once you’ve been burned, it’s not so easy to risk getting close to fire again, right?

Since it’s pretty unrealistic (although sometimes quite appealing) to live your life in solitary confinement, it’s vital to know how to work through some of these feelings of extreme mistrust.

When I talk to my patients about self-care they often go to ideas of spa days and bubble baths. Sure, those things can be a form of self-care, however the self-care I find transformative centers around the practice of self-compassion. Now, if your next thought is associations of pity, letting yourself off the hook, anything goes, you are "Way Off Base!"

The effort required really isn’t very much. It’s the energy that matches what you want that has to be exact.

If I bring you love, if I bring you peace, if I’m grateful for what you’ve done and are doing, will that help? If I’m empathetic to your concerns and opinions, if I value what you do, what you say, and who you are, won’t that also help? If I keep myself solid emotionally, while being patient with how you process and able to give you what you need, that also helps.

Many clients who come through my door—those ready to file for divorce—state a long list of reasons for getting one, but more often than not it is because the non-narcissistic spouse is fed up with the one who is! There are many definitions and interpretations of the word narcissist. In my opinion, I think this personality type can be defined in a soundbite: "It’s all about me!" Self-centered, an inflated sense of self, admiration of oneself, and the belief that his/her needs should top the needs of those around him/her, are all typical indicators that will eventually cause trouble in a relationship, unless the narcissist’s mate doesn’t care about the kind of abuse only a narcissist can mete out.

There’s a growing epidemic spreading its way across the nation with a bullseye aimed directly on couples whose kids have flown the coop.

No, it’s not health issues, retirement money worries, or employment challenges.

It’s divorce.

"The National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University reports that divorce rates for couples over 50 years old have more than doubled in recent years.

More than doubled.

To go against an established authority; rebellion defined, signals defiance and recklessness. The natural response to chaos is to create compliance, therefore restoring order. There’s an underlying message here; if we follow the rules and act accordingly, we will find peace. This concept of following, I dare say, is a trap.

Peace is embodied when we boldly remove a narrowed lens and observe rebellion from a broader perspective, one where we redefine what it means to resist and clearly identify who has authority.