As a psychologist, I see people with all sorts of problems: anxiety, depression, work stress, relationship difficulties, PTSD, even people self-diagnosed as having ADHD. And while every person has their own nuanced story of why they don’t feel quite right and need therapy, after a few sessions a common theme emerges: many people don’t feel safe and secure in their lives.
Let me explain what I mean by the word “safe” in this context:
It’s that sense of waking up on a Saturday morning and having no plans and being able to find something to do with yourself that is not a kind of work. It’s that relaxed and cozy feeling that you can have when the weather is awful outside and you decide to take the time to make yourself breakfast or even, pick up a book and read it without feeling like you should be doing something else.
It’s a comfy feeling when you are alone and don’t feel pressured; it’s a cuddly feeling when you are hanging out with your partner. It’s the idea of being absorbed and spontaneous in your life and not worrying about the lives of others, or comparing yourself to them, as we are often tempted to do on social media.
In other words, safety is managing our minds and our bodies and knowing when we feel amped up or the need to do something just to stay busy.
Whether it’s the times we live in, generational stresses or issues related to our family histories, a lot of people don’t quite know how to calm their minds and nervous systems down.
Here are some ideas to find ways to feel engaged in your everyday life:
* If free time stresses you out, try to think about why. Staying busy is often a way to avoid emotions. Consider developing a sense of curiosity about thoughts and feelings that might confuse you and entertain the idea that you can have thoughts and feelings without judgement. Though we all have “thought police” in our heads that warn us when we have dangerous thoughts, really, we can think and feel whatever we want without consequence.
* Check in with your body. Often our body knows before we do if we are stressed out, anxious, sad or worried. The first step to listening to your body is simple, pay attention if you feel muscular pain or tension, or if your stomach feels upset. Some people notice a tightness in their chest, increased heart rate, or that their jaw clenches. Many people find that their breathing is irregular. These are signs of the fight/flight response. It’s our bodies’ way of telling us that we are in danger and it’s based on millions of years of evolution. It may not make sense, but these signs suggest that your body thinks there is danger. Notice the patterns when your body is more revved up than you think it should be.
* Use your breath to calm you down. If you notice that your body is ready to fight or flee, try breathing, but using this specific technique. It’s not a simple cure to complex problems, but it’s a first step to understanding your relationship to stress, it can provide some immediate relief, and can guide you in seeking more help.
* Collect data. Understanding yourself is all about being a self-scientist and collecting information. Try to understand patterns and situations when you don’t feel safe and listen to your mind and your body. Maybe you realize that you really need more structure in your life and that might be fine for now. If you decide you need more help dealing with unstructured time, then gather information on the emotions and thoughts that are troubling and you can decide if you want to bring these to a trusted professional.
If our bodies and minds can’t find relaxation, then we can’t feel absorbed and engaged in our lives. We are all entitled to a feeling of safety.
Tamara McClintock Greenberg, Psy.D., M.S.
Tamara McClintock Greenberg, Psy.D., M.S. is a psychologist and author in San Francisco, as well as an Associate Clinical Professor at the University of California, San Francisco, in the department of psychiatry. She writes about aging, illness and women’s issues. Her two most recent books are "Psychodynamic Perspectives on Aging and Illness" (2nd Ed.) and "When Someone You Love Has a Chronic Illness". She lives in San Francisco with her husband and two dogs, Rufus and Roscoe. For more information visit her website at tamara-greenberg.com and you can find her on Twitter @TMcGreenberg.
