Falling in love is a wonderful experience: The ecstasy of losing yourself in another’s eyes, the excitement of imagining a life together, the freedom of discovering the intimate secrets of another person. But we all know that after that initial love glow fades and the reality of learning to share your life with another—no matter how compatible—sets in, relationships require effort. And when the real work of building a relationship together begins, we all make mistakes along the way.
Here are 4 of the most common mistakes people tend to make, and how to avoid making them in your own marriage:
1. Avoiding financial discussions. This is one of the worst mistakes a couple can make. This includes how you deal with your shared expenses and your general financial philosophy (are you a saver or a spender?). If you don’t get clear on these issues early on, at some point later on potential conflicts will come back to bite you. Make sure to get clear about your financial philosophy, and how you want to deal with money. You’ll be happy you did when the times get tough.
2. Not being clear about your core values. There comes a time in every marriage when you come across something that you and your spouse don’t see eye to eye on—no matter how compatible you may be. These disagreements can be as superficial as having different tastes in movies or food, in which case they’re pretty easy to navigate. But often, you’ll find that you don’t agree on more fundamental issues, like whether or not you want children, political views, or your fiscal philosophy. It’s important to get clear about your disagreements on these more “core” values early on in your marriage so they don’t become sticking points down the road. That doesn’t mean you have to agree; it just means that you need to be clear about how you differ and how you plan to deal with those differences moving forward.
3. Forgetting to put on your own oxygen mask first. Naturally, many of us tend to sacrifice ourselves for the benefit of our partners. This is a positive quality that builds trust between you. However, while it’s important to think of others first, you’re no good to anyone if your basic needs are not being met. In a marriage, it’s important to make sure that you take care of yourself so that you can be as supportive to your spouse as they are to you. Take your flight attendant’s advice and always be sure to put on your own oxygen mask first!
4. Failing to create boundaries. I often refer to relationships as “a journey from me to us,” because sharing your life with another, even to a limited extent, requires surrendering a degree of your independence. In doing so, it’s also important for both partners to value and protect each other’s individuality and uniqueness. One of the biggest mistakes that couples make is failing to create appropriate boundaries for themselves within a relationship, and they end up smothering each other. So, respect each other’s space and give your partner and your relationship room to breathe and grow!
Alan C. Fox
Alan C. Fox is the author of "People Tools for Love and Relationships: The Journey from Me to Us," as well as two other bestselling People Tools books. He is a real estate investor, philanthropist, mentor, and founder of Rattle poetry journal. Visit www.peopletoolsbook.com.
