You hear it again and again, “After I got married I stopped having time for myself.” Cooperation is a healthy part in a relationship. The trick is to grow together, and as the old saying goes, to “row in the same direction.”
Growing in a marriage as the years pass takes skill. Marriages that stagnate become ripe for problems. So how do you grow in your marriage? Just like the flowers and trees, all relationships need water and sunlight, a little tending to pull up the weeds and a little talk to help them grow along.
1. Be present. Being present can mean staying off your smart phone during meal times or whenever you’re together. It requires truly listening to what your husband or wife is saying. It means actually focusing on the person in the room rather than thinking about the four other places you could be. When you are present with your spouse, they’re made to feel important, validated and treasured. Again, this pays dividends.
2. Give them the benefit of the doubt. If your spouse takes an interest in something that doesn’t immediately include you, don’t react with suspicion or anger. If they suggest that going off and doing something will make them a better spouse, they might be right. So long as their new interest doesn’t risk anyone’s physical or emotional well-being, it would be wise to believe in them rather than ripping their idea to shreds. Giving them the benefit of the doubt and support will reap rewards down the line.
3. Praise. Don’t punish. We’re all going to fail sometime. And who’s the first person we talk to when we’re disappointed or scared? If your other half has experienced a set-back or disappointment, it’s not productive to berate or find fault. Find something, anything, that you can say positive about their effort. Now, I’m not suggesting that you lie. Be authentic. A little praise at the right time goes a long way.
4. Affection. Affection is like talking to your plants. Our spouses need those same words, that same touch. How much? Well, that’s up to you. Sometimes one member of a relationship puts a heavier emphasis on affection than the other. Sometimes, we’re just feeling a little needy. A simple hand on the shoulder, rub of the arm, a kiss on the cheek or rubbing their back shows that you care.
5. Communicate. Marriages become routine. Spouses assume the other can read their mind. As a professional psychotherapist, I always tell my clients not to assume. Being able to regularly share thoughts, ideas and feelings is critical. We lead busy lives, so a frequent excuse for not communicating even the basic events of our day is, “I just don’t have time.”
Well, everyone is busy. Your spouse is busy. However, if you want them to stay your spouse, open your mouth and tell them what’s going on. Ask how their day was. The few minutes it takes to “check in” and ask how your spouse is doing says, “I value you and what you’re doing. You’re not alone.” This sharing of ideas and experiences is crucial.
6. Find an activity. The best couples share common activities. Identify what you both derive pleasure from. Maybe you haven’t done it lately. Brainstorm up a little excursion. Plan a getaway. Maintaining routine is important, but taking time out to enjoy being with each other in an activity that aren’t errands is a way to spread growth.
All six of these ideas can help lead to positive growth in your marriage. Every good relationship is planted in fertile ground. When things become too routine it’s as if that dirt has been stripped of all the important minerals and nutrients; and whatever gets planted in there won’t be as strong as it can be as when we revitalize that soil and replenish the nutrients to make things bigger, brighter and more resilient than ever.
Dr. Janna Fond, PsyD, LMFT
Dr. Janna Fond, PsyD, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area. She has helped thousands of clients over the years dealing with numerous issues from family and personal relationships to intimacy and deeper couples problems. Her new book, "Everything Will Be OK: Blending Psychology and Spirituality to Heal Ourselves," offers practical reassurance on how to overcome challenges that seem impossible to resolve. For more information visit www.jannafond.com.
