Insight

"I like hugs and I like kisses, but what I really love is help with the dishes!" ~Unknown

For years the most significant and unresolved conflict that lived between my husband and I had to do with the division of labor in our home. In fact, this is one of the top mechanisms of dissatisfaction and ultimate destruction of many long-term partnerships. For most couples, establishing a balance to working through life’s responsibilities and details is the single largest predictor of relationship success and the clearest reflection of the overall dynamics of the relationship. When daily workload does not feel equitable or fair, the trust and intimacy in the entire marriage is affected.

Sexual desire, when strong, seems indestructible. However, desire is easy to kill. Inhibited desire—as we therapists call it—is the main problem in marital sexual disorders and probably the number one complaint in most marriage counseling sessions.

Sexual desire is quite fragile and many feelings whether relational, emotional or sexual can slowly start to poison it. The core issue is identifying, understanding and addressing these factors. I like to think of these as the poisons a couple needs to understand about one another in order for them to move on.

"You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need…"

That Rolling Stones refrain is playing in my head repeatedly of late and it seems clear that this is as true a love song as I have ever known. Although I would never have thought it in my earlier years, what I know of love is that it is actually rarely about what you want. Growing up and cultivating a sustainable love with your spouse is mostly about learning how to accept what you get, turn it into what you want or at least embrace it as what you need.

First, you must first evolve your thinking. Our thoughts are the blueprint for your life and control your relationship in many ways you may not recognize. Be confident that your partner knows what you are thinking, even when you don’t say it. We often take ourselves and our relationships for granted, or conversely, take it all too seriously. Our negative thoughts unwittingly hold our relationships hostage, giving a lot of power to our unspoken doubts.

Do you remember when you first got together, when life and love were fresh, exciting and brand new? Close your eyes—can you picture it? Every moment you spent together flew by in a whirlwind of passion and discovery, and every minute apart seemed like an eternity. And sex was, well, orgasmic!

And then life took over. Afternoon trysts made way for important meetings and careers took precedence over romance. Pretty soon, date night consisted of family-friendly restaurants and temper tantrums instead of candlelight and linen napkins.

"I hate having to 'wind myself up' to do it," said a Flibanserin participant, "It makes me feel broken."

Last night was a beautiful warm summer evening, the nearly full moon peeking in and out from behind the clouds and I found myself in the midst of a sing-along with thousands of other fans paying our last tribute to the iconic American satirist, Garrison Keillor. He was leading the crowd at intermission through a long medley of old songs, songs that are in all of us from childhood, but rarely strung together. Part church, part old Americana, but fully present and belonging in a way that we hadn’t felt since summer camp. I always notice and savor the moments that pull me deeply into life, where the distance between us breaks down and we are not outside, looking in, watching some entertainment, but creating connection together.

Last Saturday night I was watching Comedy Central and I saw a new ad for Ashley Madison, the now infamous website/app designed for and used by married people looking to cheat on the sly. On the surface, this new ad looks incredibly wholesome and inviting. It starts with a handsome, clean-cut guy singing along to a vaguely familiar pop music melody. Then another equally handsome and clean-cut man joins him. Pretty soon the entire screen is filled with pleasant looking guys, all of them happily singing. If you’re not paying attention, it’s a bit like Coca Cola’s famed "I’d Like to Buy the World a Coke" ad, first aired in 1971, with one, then another, and then hundreds of beautiful people on an Italian hillside singing a song about peace, love, and soda pop.