About 1/3 of U.S. adolescents are victims of physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal abuse from a dating partner, with the highest number being girls, according to a report published by the National Council on Crime and Delinquency. As parents, it’s hard to know how to steer our daughters towards healthy guys who will treat them well, but the following are ideas that will help girls attract good guys.
1. Trust your gut. One of an adolescent girl’s best protections versus dating violence has to do with trusting their intuition. Girls tell me that when a guy walks into a party, their radar goes off telling them that he either feels safe or that he seems like a creep. I strongly encourage them to trust that internal alarm. But in order to trust their gut, they have to have the awareness of how it feels when their alarms are going off, notice it, and then respond to it by taking some sort of action to take care of themselves. Teenage girls also need awareness of what mutes their alarms: alcohol is the biggest culprit, but desperately needing a boyfriend, really wanting a boy to like them, poor self-esteem, and a low sense of worthiness will also sway their better judgment.
I encourage girls to learn how to slow down, get quiet, and to look inward on a regular basis in order to know what they are feeling, what they need, and what is right for them. Girls who have this ability will be able to check into their intuition and make healthier, more conscious choices.
2. Friends who are guys. One of the best ways for your teenager to prepare themselves for the dating world is to spend more time with guy friends. You can learn an awful lot about how guys think and behave by just being around them without the pressures of dating. It will help them cut through the BS that teen boys might throw their way, and also teach them how to banter and not take on the teasing and sarcasm that guys use to communicate and connect. And usually the healthiest romantic relationships develop from good platonic friendships. I urge adolescent girls who hunger for a boyfriend to instead focus on developing good guy friends first.
3. Make a list and check it twice. Sometimes on my retreats I have teen girls make a list of all the qualities that they want in the “ideal boyfriend” or soul mate. Once their list is written, I have them underline the traits that they themselves possess, and then circle the ones that they need to work on. What’s the point? They will tend to attract partners who are at the same social-emotional-psychological level as they are. If you want more, you need to become more. To attract Mr. Right, become your list!
4. Make a list, part 2. In addition, I have high school girls make a list of their criteria for a dating relationship, including sexual behavior. Creating their own standards and expectations while quiet and clear-headed is a much better proposition than trying to make good decisions in the heat of the moment with hormones and impulsivity flying around the back seat of a car. It’s a whole lot easier to set good, firm boundaries when you are with a guy if you have thought it through before you ever go out. Some of the most powerful young women I know will tell a guy at the start of a date what her boundaries are, to be clear right up front. “I am looking to go out and have fun and to get to know each other, and I am not interested in anything physical until we have a higher level of closeness.” That sounds so assertive to young girls, but it works! And guys tell girls on my retreats that it takes the pressure off them about “should I” or “shouldn’t I” make a move allowing them to relax and have fun.
We have a responsibility to teach girls these skills, and it’s best to begin by middle school age, when many of them start to date. I especially want girls to connect with that inner voice or inner knowing that knows the answers to their questions and what is right for them. I want every girl to make decisions about what guys to date and their sexuality out of that place instead of being swayed by external pressures.
Dr. Tim Jordan
Dr. Tim Jordan is a leading expert on parenting girls from 2 – 20 years of age. He is the author is Sleeping Beauties, Awakened Women: Guiding Transformation of Adolescent Girls. He is also an international speaker, media expert and school consultant. He often speaks about girls and their journey through adolescence, relationship aggression, friendship, cliques and bullying and the best practices for parenting girls. For more information visit www.drtimjordan.com.
