Tag: marriage

Walking into your bedroom should make your heart rate slow down. It should be the place where you sigh deeply and your whole body relaxes. The bedroom is your nest. A singular space that both regenerates you on a cellular level and a place that provides the environment and impetus for physical intimacy.

As the place where we love deeply, procreate and regenerate ourselves, the bedroom is the sanctuary for our sanity. So make it a place that’s not only all of these things, but also somewhere you can feel healthy and alive.

It is far too common for couples who are struggling through difficult times to call it quits. I know. I have sat across the desk from those whom I sense have done just that: walked off the "relationship field" before giving it their all. As a family law attorney, one of the first questions I ask my client is if a divorce is what he or she really wants. Some confide that, even though they do not want to end the relationship, they feel there has been so much damage they have no other choice.

Having witnessed first hand the emotional carnage that can be wreaked by way of a split (especially if there are children involved), I often suggest that some individuals do what they can to rebuild what they have. "You can always file for divorce," I tell them, "but if you think your relationship has redeeming qualities, give it a chance—a fair chance, at least. You have to be able to look yourself in the mirror and know you have done all you can do."

Sustainable love, the kind that we use as a compass to keep us connected in vital, healthy and happy relationships, is now being recognized as a skill that might just save our species.

We finally have the scientific equipment to verify what we have always known: Our drive to be social, to be connected to each other, is actually hardwired. Our need for connection and drive towards empathy is not a result of environmental influences, but rather a function built into the brain itself. Daniel Goleman, PhD, a New York Times science writer and bestselling author of Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ has taken his research to a whole new level and has since published Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships.

The traffic is awful. Nothing's moving. So, you start railing at the cars in front of you, telling them how to drive, which of course does no good and you're just beside yourself by the time you do get home.

Then you come home to a disaster. The house is a mess, the baby’s crying, your spouse looks up bleary-eyed at you from the couch and dinner hasn't even been considered, much less started. You explode: "Is it too much to ask, to have a half-way clean house, the baby pacified and dinner started by 6:30?" You storm off to the bedroom, furious, shutting the door hard behind you.

This question to "Why Do I?" sparked a lively discussion in our home. My significant other, Angelika Kasten, immediately asked why this is such a big issue for men when women typically make less money than their husbands, yet have no problem with it. She suggested that while women value a spouse who is hard working and makes enough money, the difference in income is much less important if that spouse is loving, respectful and has a strong sense of him- or her-self. Angelika said that there are many ways to contribute a fair share to the relationship that doesn’t involve money and that men differ in their concerns about income levels. While some men would be glad to have a wife who makes more money than they do, others might feel that they're not playing out their designated role as the "man" and breadwinner.

My experience with hundreds of people during the last twenty five years shows that the chances for rebuilding trust depend on some basic behaviors on the part of the person who had an affair:

* Answering all your questions
* Hanging in while you deal with the understandable emotions
* Making a commitment to the relationship by severing contact with the third party
* Respecting your need to talk with others about this life-altering experience
* Going to counseling with you if they wish to get professional help

Running a successful business is tough. Maintaining a successful marriage can also be tough. When you combine the two and run a business with your spouse, it can be even more challenging. Throw in a kid or two, add additional outside family members and you've got a situation that can be total nirvana or a complete mess.

Now let’s be honest, there are many issues here we could discuss. There are the wonderful things that work, the things that definitely don’t work and the things that can be done to make it work if it isn’t.