Sustainable love, the kind that we use as a compass to keep us connected in vital, healthy and happy relationships, is now being recognized as a skill that might just save our species.
We finally have the scientific equipment to verify what we have always known: Our drive to be social, to be connected to each other, is actually hardwired. Our need for connection and drive towards empathy is not a result of environmental influences, but rather a function built into the brain itself. Daniel Goleman, PhD, a New York Times science writer and bestselling author of Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ has taken his research to a whole new level and has since published Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships.
Advances in neuroscience now allow us to observe brain activity while we are in the act of feeling. We can now witness that we are continuously forming brain-to-brain bridges—a two-way brain traffic system. In the same way that we can “catch” a cold from someone, we can “catch” their bad mood—or good mood. The significance of the relationship indicates how deeply we are affected and will stimulate actual physical consequences: hormonal response that magnifies stress (Cortisol) or induces happiness (Oxytocin).
Positive interactions and being surrounded by loving people actually works like a vitamin for your entire being. Negative relationships and interactions don’t just make us angry, they make us ill. As in other brain functions, this one also reflects our amazing neuroplasticity. This is to say that our brains are continually building new connections—and no matter how young or old, anyone’s personality can be affected by other people. We literally heal each other through our social connections.
This news couldn’t come at a better time as we continue to replace real interaction with techno-driven reality. Is it really connecting with your spouse when it’s virtual? Are we connected to others when we only share words on a screen? More than any new technology, what we truly need is to develop a lifestyle which encourages deeper human connection. Overwhelmed with digital connectivity, it’s easy to become oblivious to the people surrounding us. How often have you witnessed someone at a check out stand absorbed in some deep conversation on a cell phone and entirely oblivious to the person in front of them?
Real intimate connections don’t happen on the phone, in a text message or on IM: They require a real-life presence where we pay full attention to the people we live with. Empathy grows in our brain through eye contact, voice recognition and touch—all of the time-intensive ways of knowing another person well enough that we can’t objectify them. Empathetic connections are the prime inhibitors of human cruelty. Scientists agree that the survival of our species depend on our ability to grow and develop this innate ability and a culture which encourages deep and true human connections.
So next time you’re feeling blue about the state of the world or your spouse for doing something wrong, turn off your electronic gadgetry and go for a walk, preferably holding hands with the person you fell in love with and married. Sustaining your love is not only good for you, but you may also be saving the person closest to you!
Wendy Strgar
Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family. In her new book, “Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,” she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative advice. It has been called “the essential guide for relationships.” The book is available on ebook. Wendy has been married for over 30 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, in the beautiful Pacific Northwest, and has four children.
