Most often, the term organic applies to our food or clothing. Rarely is it applied to our sexual appetite. To be called organic, food must be produced without any chemicals to induce or sustain its growth. The process relies on old-fashioned techniques of good soil, clean air and decent weather.
Small local farmers making food the old-fashioned way is in vogue now because chemical-driven and genetic altering of food is all too Sci-Fi. The more we know about the synthetic and petro-chemical process of producing food, the more we want the real stuff and we’re willing to pay for organic food that comes from nature.
Meeting the needs of the human sexual appetite is also a multi-billion dollar industry. Not unlike the chemical companies vast holdings of genetically altered rows of corn, stand the millions upon millions of cheap porn DVDs, all clipped and re-clipped from the standard sets of bio-engineered overlarge breasts, tummy-tucked women and engorged male sexual organs. This crop of sexuality is available anytime, day or night, on almost any form of digital transmitter from the TV to the computer to the smartphone.
Yet, in spite of the enormous spending on the virtual orgasms that are readily available, I still believe that most of us would pay more for real, organic sex—the kind that you can feel change you from the inside out. This Valentine’s Day, ditch all the toys and sexual accessories because this rare breed of intimacy is the one we sing about and write movie scripts for—it’s the kind of sex that grows out of a relationship where you are as deeply connected in life as you are in the bedroom. Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to bring the organic orgasm to your relationship.
Nurturing Your Organic Orgasm
Growing intimate relationships that have the potential for organic orgasms to ripen requires a healthy ecosystem. In this ecosystem, I often use the metaphor of fire to describe the passion and intensity of physical intimacy. It’s nature’s energetic equivalent to our sexuality. Fire is the energy of life, providing light, heat and the ability to transform the physical world. Fire in intimacy is the force of attraction that keeps relationships dynamic and whole.
Soil: The foundation or ground of your relationship is in your thoughts. Any accomplished gardener will tell you that the abundance (or lack of) their crop comes from the quality of their soil. Couples who add healthy thoughts to the mix and “compost” it with care and pull out the stubborn rag weed will have more success in every aspect of their relationship, including organic orgasms. Consider the soil you are building your relationship with and whether you are trying to build a fire on barren land.
Sunlight: Without light and air, the best soil in the world will be unproductive. The air in relationships rests in the communications that feed it. The quality and frequency of your conversations and ability to self-disclose is the air that fuels your fire. Sexual self-disclosure is the most challenging of all. Creating a language and building the trust to describe what kinds of touch are pleasurable and/or painful is one of the most transformative conversations that a couple can invest in. Sharing stories of sexual history and exploring sexual anatomy together will not only provide real access to shared organic orgasms, but will enhance the safety of the whole relationship.
Water: Without water, even under the best conditions, nothing can grow. I use the metaphor of water in relationships to describe the ebb and flow of time and presence that a couple shares. Togetherness means different things to different people, and not having a shared definition, can make the relationship both unsafe and unsatisfying for both people. This fact is essential in building a fire, because where there is no safety, people can get burned.
Doing the daily work of tending the ecosystem of your relationship will pay dividends in cultivating the organic orgasms that come out of loving relationships. Cultivate a rich and complex soil that allows you to think about and evolve your sexuality. Test the limits of your communication abilities to express both the fantasies and fears that may live silently in your relationship. Don’t just practice this during Valentine’s, make regular dates for physical intimacy and show up for each other like it’s the most important thing on your schedule.
Knowing that you have the ability to reach someone in this most intimate of ways is one of the most significant sources of self-esteem that relationships afford. There is a strange coincidence between the percentages of people who don’t orgasm and the percentage of people who divorce. While sharing orgasm is not enough to keep a relationship alive, the inability to move towards it is enough to kill it. There is no other single work in life that will repay you so profoundly each and every time you share it.
Wendy Strgar
Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family. In her new book, “Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,” she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative advice. It has been called “the essential guide for relationships.” The book is available on ebook. Wendy has been married for over 30 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, in the beautiful Pacific Northwest, and has four children.
