The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens… because only then does one feel that all is as it should be… amidst the simple beauty of nature.—Anne Frank
I love when science proves a really useful theory. The New Science of Positivity (www.positivityratio.com), which focuses on mental health instead of mental illness, has just confirmed that in order to succeed at anything, one must maintain the ratio of three positive events to one negative event.
This is the tipping point for a life that works, that is emotionally satisfying and one that allows us to function at our best. The converse is also true that when the ratio falls below this point, lives often take on a quality of despair. Epidemiological survey data suggests that only 20 percent of American adults are flourishing, while more than half feel like they are going through the motions and just getting by.
So, is it any surprise that these statistics are also reflected in the lives many share with their spouse?
There is no “just getting by” when it comes to marriage, where many have a positivity ratio of one-to-one, which may explain why our collective divorce rate is above 50 percent. Many also hold the dubious honor of leaving relationships faster than any other culture on the planet. Interestingly, many also enter into marriage just as quickly, which suggests that most people want to be in long-term relationships, but are just not very good at making them work.
Sustaining a loving marriage requires a positivity ratio of five-to-one. No questions asked. And I’m sure you’re thinking that this sounds impossible, but it’s not. You just have to look at what positivity is and how to utilize it.
Re-thinking Yourself: The science of positivity is not about being happy all the time; the term actually reflects more on how one thinks and processes events in everyday life. Expanding the capacity for broad versus narrow thinking and approaching your life and marriage with curiosity, interest and gratitude is more than enough to redirect and make it a flourishing experience. Measuring the capacity for happiness in terms of a perspective on the small day-to-day moments is both realistic and hopeful because anyone can consciously choose to re-think their lives and better themselves as well as their marriage.
Also, scientific data proves that socio-economic status does not predict a couple’s capacity for enjoying life. So it’s better to think about what you have rather than dwell on what you don’t.
Using Nature As A Balance: Having access to the natural world provides us with a sense of proportion. Awe, gratitude, appreciation and the beauty of the world around us is enough for most anyone to shift into a positive frame of mind. Studies have shown that just thirty minutes in nature is enough to tip the scales in most people’s days. Nature wakes us up. Whether it’s the heat of the sun or the chill of the rain, we are forced into elements that widen our view and get us out of our head and shake up our habitual thinking patterns.
Einstein said, “There are only two ways to live your life. One as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”
Experiencing your life through nature inspires the ability to not only see the forces of nature as miraculous, but also a brief slice of time to experience it together with your spouse, as equally miraculous. Finding the eyes to actually see the world around you will give you a perspective on the rest of your day that can only make you happier.
Wendy Strgar
Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family. In her new book, “Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,” she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative advice. It has been called “the essential guide for relationships.” The book is available on ebook. Wendy has been married for over 30 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, in the beautiful Pacific Northwest, and has four children.
