Let me just say that I am happy to unpack the dialogue about one of the most coveted human experiences on the planet. Like many sexual discussions, which rarely or never happen in the midst of our most intimate relationships, yet proliferate the airwaves and video content of adult entertainment, most people have an extremely limited language to work with when it comes to orgasms. This collective silence about the mystery of orgasms and how it affects our well being and our relationships impacts a stunning percentage of the population. Many studies, including a 2001 global study of sexual behavior with over 27,000 participants revealed that orgasmic dysfunction is more the norm than the exception. One-third of all women have never experienced orgasm, while the second third had experienced orgasm only rarely.
Orgasmic dysfunction is not just a woman’s story, equal numbers of men suffer from a range of issues that hinder their ability to experience orgasms.
The word orgasm is derived from the Greek word orga, which means explosion. This makes sense because the experience of an orgasm often feels like a burst of pleasure, bliss, emotion and physical release. In fact, the moment of orgasm creates such a complete letting go that the brain center that controls anxiety and fear is switched off. Orgasms are as unique as the individual who experiences them.
The wide variety of intensity, location and stimulus that contribute to and create an orgasm plays a big part of the mystery that many women experience in identifying what an orgasm feels like. Interestingly, studies have found that the confusion about experiencing an orgasm goes both ways—some women claim having an orgasm and show no bodily response, while other women who do have a classic response like vaginal contractions and heart racing believe that nothing has happened. The modern mythology (and dare I say it…pornography) of the orgasm looms so large that many of us are not even sure how to identify our own.
The good news is that the more orgasms you experience, the more orgasms you’re likely to have in the future. Learning about your own sexual response and developing your orgasmic potential will bring both immediate gratification and long-term satisfaction. As with any skill-based human motor function all bodies come equipped with the tools for orgasm, yet without the proper education and opportunity to practice, many people never successfully achieve the synergy of mind, body and spirit to release this very unique and revelatory experience. It is a quest worthy or our time and attention.
The first step on this journey is removing the conversation about sensation, pleasure and orgasm out of the adult entertainment industry and into the privacy of the bedroom. This may seem like stating the obvious, but actual intimate sexual conversations are harder than you think. Your sense of safety in yourself and in your relationship is key to expressing your desires and living in the vulnerable place that opens to sexuality. This is a tall order given the combined impact when we consider the lack of sexual knowledge we are raised with, our shared cultural anxiety and how little scientific knowledge is available about sexual response.
Orgasms are the human expression of life force, and whether you are among the lucky few who know it as the height of intimate relationships or are among the many who are looking for the gate to knowing it better, it is a currency that affects us all. Explore the variety of experiences and techniques available for accessing your own pleasure responses; share the strategies you have learned to open a conversation with your partner— it will lead you both to the pleasure you are seeking.
Part 2: The Center of Letting Go
Wendy Strgar
Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family. In her new book, “Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,” she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative advice. It has been called “the essential guide for relationships.” The book is available on ebook. Wendy has been married for over 30 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, in the beautiful Pacific Northwest, and has four children.
