The following is an excerpt from “Joy from Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend”
If your marriage feels stuck or out-of-whack, maybe it’s time to take a step back to consider what you’re willing to give to—and what you want to get from—your relationship. Relationships tend to thrive when partners have similar needs and desires. Yet we sometimes don’t take the time to ponder the qualities we need to feel in sync with our partner. By taking an honest look at the key traits that are deal breakers for you—what I have come to term “essential qualities” such as honesty, respect, and kindness—you’ll get straight to the heart of your relationship issues.
Before moving on, it’s important to understand the true meaning of the word relationship. The word relationship carries many connotations—it holds different energy for different people. Therefore, it is often helpful to look at the roots of a word to regain a true and deeper sense of the original meaning. The “-ship” portion of the word relationship indicates a state or condition, whereas “relate” stems from the Latin re, which means “back or again,” coupled with latus, which means “borne, carried, or endured.” As such, it may be that a relationship is a state where those involved return to each other to bear, carry, and endure.
What is missing—what has gone awry—is that many “relationships” do not involve bearing, carrying, and enduring the journey of life. Far too many relationships do well in good times and when immediate needs for companionship, sex, fun, or money are being met, but when it comes to weathering life’s truths, challenges, and deepening intimacy, the relationship has little or no strength. These generally superficial associations, which are often mere infatuations or connections of convenience, lack the essential elements that allow for bonded, lasting love. Many such connections are consciously or unconsciously built on the theme of “I’ll use you just as much as you use me.” Sadly, such situations are the breeding grounds of fear—they perpetuate negative behaviors and throw mud on the concept of loving connection and growth. Indeed, a “relationship” formed or continued on a lack of integrity—disrespect, dishonesty, manipulation, and the like—is not a true relationship. “Convenienceships” is the term I have coined for such connections, for they are often formed on egocentric need rather than mutually shared essential qualities.
Let’s look closer at the concept of essential qualities. It’s important to know that the essential qualities prized by one person may not be prized by another. By acknowledging this truth, an objective and honest attitude can be maintained; different people will simply value different things. There is not one “right” list of essential qualities; the key is to know the qualities that are essential for you. Of course, a few core values such as integrity, honesty, respect, and kindness are essential for any true relationship. Beyond such basics, you might find plenty of traits that are vital to you. As you become more aware of your own personal values and needs, you can then take actions that lead you closer into alignment with your core values—your essential qualities.
The first step, then, is to generate awareness of your unique conception of essential qualities. As you become more self-aware, your personal “list” of essential qualities can be used both to form and to guide relationships. A firm understanding of your essential qualities will allow you to openly and honestly communicate your essential needs to others. The more important the relationship is, the more critical it is to have a meeting of the minds and spirits on the necessary qualities for that relationship; when a relationship is more peripheral or less significant, there is often greater leeway.
Marriages tend to thrive when both individuals value and offer the same essential qualities. When one person lacks a quality that the other person finds absolutely essential, the relationship often suffers. When many key qualities are missing, disaster often results. So, if you and your partner are out of alignment, pause to ask yourself these important questions:
1. Am I searching for qualities in another person that I do not have within myself?
2. If so, am I willing to do the work necessary to engender these qualities in myself?
3. Am I accepting a relationship with someone who does not have the qualities I find essential?
4. If so, am I willing to talk to this person about my needs with honesty and dignity?
5. If the other person is unwilling or unable to honor my essential needs, what am I prepared to so?
Write out your responses to each question. You need to do nothing but allow yourself to process your responses at your own pace. When you feel the timing is right, ask your partner to do the above exercise. As you use this “couple’s exercise” to understand yourself and your partner more fully, you’ll connect with your partner on the deepest of levels—and your relationship will thrive.
Adapted from Dr. Carla Marie Manly’s book, “Joy From Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend” published by Familius Books. To purchase online, visit Amazon.com, BarnsandNoble.com or any bookstore nationwide.
Dr. Carla Marie Manly
As a clinical psychologist in Sonoma County, California, Dr. Carla Marie Manly maintains a focus on helping clients transform their lives and their relationships. Using a body-mind-spirit approach that underscores the importance of overall wellness, Dr. Manly works with her clients on a highly individualized basis to uncover the core concerns that often manifest as psychological, behavioral, and somatic symptoms. Combining traditional depth psychotherapy with somatic therapy, Dr. Manly offers her clients a specialized approach to creating passionate, joy-filled lives. Working in both individual and group settings, she strives to promote change by increasing her clients’ personal self-awareness and insight. A devoted writer, speaker, and yoga instructor, Dr. Manly is dedicated to helping others create the lives of their dreams. California License: Psy25539. For more, visit www.drcarlamanly.com.
