When it comes to the discussion of sex, we all know that married sex has been given a bad rap. When we think of marriage and sex, very often words like boring, predictable and infrequent readily come to mind. With all the focus in film and novels on passionate, clandestine encounters between strangers who hardly know each other, married people can be left to feel that they are missing out on all the excitement. If we were to really pay attention to the hype, many of us would walk away from our marriages because we thought we were being short-changed. If we were to honestly assess the state of married sex, however, we would find many benefits of sex in a marital union.
Very often we long for something new, because we don’t know how to appreciate the good, old familiar thing that we do have. Re-framing our married sex by magnifying its strengths is a great way to encourage a fresh appreciation for what we have. For those couples going through the bedroom doldrums, taking a fresh look is a great way to strengthen your marriage. It also provides a baseline from which you can challenge yourself as a couple, to explore and experience new sexual frontiers; At the same time, reveling in the positive aspects of your relationship allows you to see how such adds a unique dimension to your sex lives, which is second to none.
The following represents some of the key reasons why married sex should be celebrated to the max.
1. Easy access: Barring the minority of couples living in different countries or states (for whatever reason), most married sex has the advantage of easy accessibility. Unlike others who may have to synchronize schedules from a distance, most married couples have literally only a few feet to travel to get connected. Knowing that your spouse is just an arm’s length away should not be forgotten or taken for granted; instead let your lack of distance solidify and increase the times you do connect sexually.
2. Zero embarrassment: While we should never lose the desire to look special for our spouse, the familiarity of marriage should count for something. Being familiar with each other’s nakedness and physical flaws, and loving each other in spite of them, removes the pressure of trying to be physically perfect. This lack of body consciousness should free us of any lingering inhibitions and open us up to being more adventurous and experimental in the sack.
3. Shared life experiences: Knowing that you and your husband or wife connect on many levels provides the basis for a deeper sexual connection. Whether it is the sharing of memories, children, a home, financial responsibilities and even the sharing of values; the fact that you are connected in a number of ways should be used to strengthen the sense of loyalty and responsibility you feel toward making each other more sexually fulfilled. There is no question of “respecting each other in the morning” as in the words of that old love song, because there are literally many mornings and evenings to be shared.
4. Body knowledge: Of course learning our spouse’s body takes time and should never be viewed as an exercise which is ever completed. As we age and as our sexual needs change, undoubtedly, there will be new things to learn. Nonetheless, knowing what pleases our spouse certainly removes the pressure of reinventing the wheel with each and every sexual encounter. When we know each other’s bodies, our sexual confidence is boosted. Our familiarity with what our spouse likes and wants in bed should not, however, keep us locked into a sexual comfort zone. Instead, the confidence that comes from having experienced the heights of sexual pleasure together is a powerful baseline, which should give us fresh impetus to throw in a new trick or two.
5. Power of commitment: While some view marriage as just any other contract, many view it as a serious covenant which shouldn’t be taken lightly. Knowing that our lover is also the person we vowed to be with for “better or worst” should be a powerful reminder of each other’s personal value. Our spouse isn’t some stranger from off the street or someone we hooked up with in the club, but an individual with whom we made a meaningful promise. The ongoing knowledge of the depth of our marital commitment should be used to strengthen our resolve to be sexually exclusive. Instead of exclusivity being viewed as a burden, it should be allowed to deepen our commitment to keeping each other sexually and emotionally satisfied. As the marriage years roll out, deliberately focusing on how much we mean to each other can be a great way to increase our passion.
Ultimately, harnessing the sex-positives of marital sex is sure to improve the quality and longevity of our unions.
Dr. Denise J. Charles
Better Blends Relationship Institute," a counseling and training entity founded by herself and her husband Gabriel. Denise’s book is "How To Have Mind-Blowing Sex Without Losing Your Brain."
