Conflict and disagreements between couples is a part of life. Two human beings with their own thoughts and free will are bound to get tangled up in conflict occasionally. It’s not so much about the fact that it happens, but how you and your spouse navigate through it.
Fighting in your marriage may be problematic if it rarely ends in finding peaceful resolutions or at least compromise. More damage can be done if one or both feel hurt or angry after the incident has passed, which can mean unfinished business between you. Resentment is toxic to marriages and poor conflict resolution skills can create a mountain of it.
Here are five signs you don’t fight fair:
1. You name call or make below-the-belt character attacks (i.e. “You’re so stupid!”)
2. You use global statements such as “always” or “never” (i.e. “You never listen to me!”)
3. You go off topic to a long list of prior examples of the current issue.
4. You use family traits as a weapon (i.e. “You’re just like your mother!”)
5. You shut down or storm out of the house. Sometimes leaving the situation all together is a good idea, but using a structured “time-out” is a better choice to avoid the other feeling abandoned.
Even in healthy marriages there can be times when couples don’t agree, don’t get along and may not even like each other for brief periods (a reflection of words and/or behavior of the other, not who they are in their core). Awareness of the things mentioned above is a huge, very helpful step towards lessoning the damage done to your marriage. Once you learn about the things that are less helpful, you can then learn about more productive ways to have difficult conversations, which includes things like active listening skills, “I feel” statements and other methods of respectful, loving and attuned dialogue. Remember, conflict will happen. You and your spouse can learn to get to the place where it’s less a “boulder in the road” and more a “blip on the radar.”
Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT
Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT is the creator of Love and Life Toolbox, one of the original therapist-created resources for marriage, relationship and emotional health available on the web.
